By Anthony Novak

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Holy goddamn motherfucking shit, I got it. A whole week of trying to find it and I got it! And it’s so cheap! I might get two of them. Everyone’s gonna LOVE this thing!

I’m gonna try it on. Fuck! It’s perfect!

I’m gonna show the dressing room attendant. What? I look like your dad when he goes on vacation? Well, your dad must be Jack fuckin’ Nicholson then because this thing is sweet!

Fuck! Okay, sit down in the mirror, see how it looks when you’re just chillin’ out. Oh, what do ya know, it looks fuckin’ sweet! Do you guys know the seven deadly sins? Well, I would look out for number 6 if I were you because there’s gonna be some serious envy goin’ on once you get a glance at my new statement: my Hawaiian shirt.

Yes, nothing achieves that “laidback” look quite like this arrangement of colors, flowers, and surfing dudes. And the fabric—did you feel this fabric? Relaxed, comfortable, smooth. Probably some of the adjectives that will be used to describe me once everyone sees me in this juicy garment.

These buttons are pretty fucking chill, too. It looks like a big Samoan dude carved them out of wood on the beach. Authentic, Hawaiian, sweet! Nobody will ever know a Levis machine pumps them out at 3000 a minute. Trust me on this one.

I think I’m gonna wear a white wife-beater underneath it. It really brings out my tan, right? I know it’s February, and I live in Ohio, but I’ll steal some of my girlfriend’s spray-on tan. Hey look, I’m fuckin’ Puerto Rican!

Head gear? Um, let’s see, backwards NO FEAR hat? No…. Buckeyes bandana signed by the whole team? Nah, too traditional. I’m really spicing things up tonight. AH-HA! There it is. My Nike visor. Yep. That, teamed up with a pair of shades on the brim, and they’ll be playing fuckin’ “Margaritaville” as soon as I
step in the room! God, this is sweet.

I should wear it right now around Target and see how many girls want to fuck me. If I hide the price tag, and I cruise the cosmetics section, I say at least three. Minimum. That’s without my beater, visor, OR shades. Good God, I could slaughter the bitches if I wanted to in this thing.

Am I the only guy who doesn’t fail to see the utter fuckin’ sweetness of the Hawaiian shirt? I don’t see many dudes wearing them, so I guess so. Now, whenever I see a guy wearing one, I’ll give a good knuckle pound to my fashion gold brotha. Just you and me, bro, you know what I’m talkin’ about.

And wow, $8.99?! What a small price to pay for the “Pina-don’t-cara” look! No doubt after tonight they’ll be asking questions like, “Is Greg not the most chill guy you know?” and “Does he care about anything?” The answer? Did you not see the pattern of palm trees and girls in hula skirts?! While everyone else is running around, stressing about everything in their lives, I’ll be that guy with a drink in one hand and a joint in the other telling you to “Take
it easy, man.”

Yep, this Hawaiian shirt is gonna be a huge hit tonight. Now, if I could just find the leather sandal section….