The United States Federal Court System is excited to announce it is rebranding jury duty as Justice Festival 2020!
Since the inception of trials by jury, American citizens have been fabricating elaborate excuses to skip this civil responsibility. If we’re being real with you, we’ve grown tired of the negative public image surrounding our legal process. We’ve decided to make this experience more positive and appealing to a younger demographic.
We’ve gone paperless! Instead of mailed summons, we are now using Facebook event invites which feature a collage of the incomparable Lizzo! Our market research has found her to be the nation’s most popular sports hero and/or musical singer. Feel free to wear whatever Lizzo-inspired clothes you like, whether they be soccer cleats or tap shoes to our courthouse-party!
Why did you receive this nifty Facebook invitation to partake in an activity that's all the rage? You've been chosen completely at random. Like you won a lottery! A lottery which legally requires you to contribute several hours of work.
What tremendous fortune you have! We strongly recommend you capitalize on your luck by purchasing a hundred scratch tickets ASAP.
As you enter the courthouse, you will receive a trendy wristband. This unlocks special access to the “VIP Pit” also known as the “Enormous Waiting Area.” This room with antiquated furniture and broken air conditioning features a wide assortment of five magazines all from 2013. Since we know nostalgia and #TBT are so hot right now, we’re still using the air conditioning units which were installed in 1947! How cool is that?
On one side of the VIP Pit sits “Stage 1” which is simply a sliding window to a supermodel disguised as a miserable city employee. Every few moments they will exhale loudly and groan out a handful of names. Scratch that, we’ll have them groan out Instagram handles!
If you have the amazing fortune of being mentioned here, BOOM: free upgrade to “Stage 2”!
The exclusive hang-out zone, AKA “Stage 2”, is a cramped jury selection room and features free bottled water served out of a water fountain! Ooo-la-la! There, attorneys will ask you questions like you’re a movie star on the Oscars red carpet and have no criminal history.
If these law buffs vibe with you, congratulations! You’ve been selected to be on an all-star team of jurors! It’s like a kickball team, but your actions alter the course of history! After celebrating your acceptance into this elite jury squad (#squadgoals), we’re giving you the chance to meet 11 new friends. You’ll share one another’s life stories, discover exciting new body odors, and have your political beliefs openly mocked. It’ll be like summer camp all over again!
You and your 11 new BFFs will head to a food court that doesn’t allow food to collaborate on a fun “game” of sorts. There are only a few rules:
- Sit quietly and listen to other people speak.
- When other people finish yakking, you make a simple choice.
That’s it! So easy, am I right?!
Come treat yourself to the amusing squabbles of delinquents. Witness them beg for mercy as you role-play a “tranquil scrutinizer.” There's nothing snazzier than leisurely punishing the wicked!
Incarcerate a miscreant and help them find that special someone behind bars. Who knew that arsonist from Willow Creek and that burglar from Central had so much in common? You did, you federally-summoned matchmaker!
Heck, if you love surprises, there's a high probability you’ll see a man revealed as a monster!
Imagine taking a blender and combining soy milk, Snapchat, and Coachella into one satisfying beverage. Imagine having your stomach filled with fairness and your heart filled with honesty. That’s what Justice Festival 2020 can do for you! So quit avoiding jury duty like it's a global pandemic. Whoops, bad timing.
The U.S. Federal Court System encourages you to select “Going” on your Lizzo-themed Facebook invite now! All of us are pumped to see you wear a legally-required smile.