Apologies team for the company-wide email. I’ll cut right to the chase. Our little department store has a serious problem.

As you know, we are proudly the only Christian family-owned retail establishment in the area offering products for grown individuals for all aspects of their life. Lawnmowers. Fiber-based supplements. Sensible New Balance shoes. For adults, we got it all. Yet, it has been brought to my attention that everyone thinks “Randy’s Adult Superstore” is some sort of lascivious pornography warehouse. How this confusion happened, I have no idea.

Because of this unforeseeable mixup, my store’s name, “Randy’s Adult Superstore,” is being dragged through the mud. Up until this point, I believed our reputation to be untarnished and respected in this community. I mean, we have everything you need for your adult life! Patio furniture. Tax Advice. Raisin Bran. And absolutely no lewd or otherwise indecent products. Just everything an adult could want or need in one convenient store, clearly marked, “Randy's Adult Superstore”! A normal store for normal, non-sex crazed adults. What’s the issue here?

I’m at a loss! How could my innocent store be mistaken for an immoral den of unspeakable whosits and whatsits? It's not the billboards, I know that for sure! I've heard folks describe them as “explicit” and “visceral.” And I couldn't agree more: “Exit now for ‘Randy’s Adult Superstore.’ Satisfy ALL your needs. Every last one of 'em.”

And our commercial jingle, it’s clear and to the point! Folks have described it as “sick” and “infectious.” I assume because it’s catchy. You all know the lyrics: “Randy’s/your one-stop shop for all adult desires./Randy’s/has everything your adult bod requires./Randy’s!/You feeling Randy’s?” Now if that song makes you think I’m running some sort of carnal pleasure palace of sinful accouterments, there’s something wrong with you. Not with my obviously non-pornographic store, “Randy’s Adult Superstore.”

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You're saying to yourself, “Randy, what’s the problem? We get lots of customers! And the car lubricant is flying off the shelves!” And you’re technically right on both counts. First, the car lube is selling well, but it seems to be the only thing anyone buys from “Randy’s Adult Superstore,” for reasons unknown to me.

Second, while I’ll admit we do get some customers, the folks that come in the door don't represent the wide demographic we ought to be reaching. We have products for all adults. But instead, our customers primarily fall into one of three categories.

  1. Giggling groups of teenagers. Every day we get groups of huddled high schoolers suppressing obvious fits of giggles and filming the entire experience on their phones! Now why teenagers would be interested in a store clearly named “Randy’s Adult Superstore” is beyond me. It doesn’t say “Randy’s Children Superstore!” And I should add, these giggling teenagers never buy a thing.
  2. Couple with a nervous man and a focused woman. I never find out much about these folks as they quickly get in a whispered argument and leave! Again, buying nothing.
  3. Creepy trucker dudes. Yes, normally truckers would be fine; we are after all, conveniently located right off the highway on the outskirts of town. But the fellows we get are exclusively of the nightmarish variety. Beady, darting eyes and lips they just can't stop licking. They at least spend the time to really look at and feel every last one of our products. I can see they're confused, working through something. But then they always buy nothing. Quickly leaving in what can only be described as a sexually frustrated rage.

Now my gut tells me the car lube and limited customer base has something to do with people somehow thinking “Randy’s Adult Superstore” is some kind of debauchery depot. But because I have no idea what kind of depraved products a degenerate store like that even carries or what sort of indecent clientele it serves, I can’t be sure there is a connection and therefore, can’t do anything to directly address the issue.

Instead, I believe if we keep getting our name out there everyone will soon know “Randy’s Adult Superstore” as a convenient and chaste store that serves all adults. In the meantime, to boost sales and the correct attention, I’ve placed ads for our new plumbing products sale “BOYGO Pumps and Plugs!” above urinals across the county. Now get back out there and satisfy all those adult desires!

Randy Johnson
You Feeling Randy’s?

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