Dear Starbucks Rewards Members,
I won’t waste time skirting the issue: we’ve run out of seasons. There are simply no more annual milestones left to tap. But fear not, loyal Rewards Members, as we’ve had a recent breakthrough here at corporate that has changed everything. More specialty drinks are on the way!
Last week, one of our Bay Area baristas pulled such a magnificent double shot through his Mastrena that he tore open a portal to the 4th dimension. We sent a few specialists to check it out, but they were careless and got sucked into the portal. A few hours later, they returned. But they were no longer the same, they had become long, undulating snakes with their embryonic selves at one end and their deceased selves at the other.
They had, for all intents and purposes, transcended space-time.
When the specialists (who we now refer to as the Multidimensional Snake-bodied Time Lords) returned to corporate, they demonstrated their newfound powers to the C-suite. That’s when it happened: the big idea. What if we create a rift in the thread of time, inject 66 new days into the calendar year, and create a new branded “micro-season?”
My dear rewards members, I am happy to say that we have successfully created that micro-season, and we’re calling it Rise™! It does come with some fun but funky ramifications, so please read to the end of this email so you don’t miss out on anything!
The Time Lords, though they've blessed us with this amazing marketing opportunity, are demanding! But anything standing in the way of synergy and process was wrapped up when The Time Lords devoured the entire C-suite and proclaimed sovereign rule over the company, which they now plan to use as their vessel for world domination. And for the past six hours, they haven’t stopped chanting, “Rise, rise, rise!” (get the name now!?)
But hey, it’s all going to be fine. We’re getting some amazing new products as a result of this whole ordeal, so it’s for the best! Speaking of which, let’s dive into what's new with Rise™!
As a rewards member, you’re probably thinking: Oh my Snake-Time-God, how will this affect my rewards points? Fear not; your points are safe, and will soon become more valuable than ever before.
As Rewards Member, here's an exclusive first look at the season’s offerings. From our flagship hot beverage, Fiery Wrath Cappuccino™, to our new hellfire-baked goods, there’s something for everyone and everything and everytime—we no longer discriminate between any differences in dimensionality of beings here at Starbucks! We’re also sending out sneak-peek gift packages to all of our loyal Rewards Members. In it, you’ll find samples galore, a new Rise™-themed travel thermos, and a copy of Dante’s Inferno, which will serve as your manual as we begin our prophetic ascent to interdimensional sovereignty.
Now at this point, you’re almost certainly thinking to yourself, Wait—are you guys still going to write my name on the cup? Of course we will! Except now it will be written in Sparseltongue, the language of the Time Lords.
One more agenda item: some of you will notice that your sneak-peek gift packages include a small onyx blade. If you are one of these lucky few, congratulations! You have been chosen by the Time Lords to carry out a blood sacrifice. Please begin considering potential victims sooner rather than later, as we need sacrifices to be completed within two weeks.
Rewards Member Relations Specialist