1. Quantum Physicist
Dear Applicant.
Thank you for your interest in the recently advertised position here at CERN. Unfortunately, your lack of qualifications, experience, basic grammar, people skills, table manners, and understanding of the word “physics” would not make you an appropriate candidate for this role. And no, by the way, we do not make “big fucking A-Bombs” at this facility.
In addition to this, the fact that you do a “really good Stephen Hawking impersonation” is hardly likely to improve your chances, neither is your reference to mathematics as “a fucking snooze-fest.”
Here at CERN we are exploring the mysteries of the universe and dealing with the fundamental building blocks of existence, not just “pissing about with protons.” Frankly, I’d rather feed my genitals into a black hole, and point my anus at the heart of the sun, than see you within a hundred miles of this facility.
2. Neurosurgeon
Hi David!
It’s Christina here, from Human Resources. I’ve been asked to contact you by Doctor McKenzie, our Head of Surgery, due to what many people call my “bubbly, fun-loving nature” and “ability to deliver crushing news in a friendly and familiar way.”
Unfortunately, a neurosurgeon needs to undergo many years of study, followed by many more years of intensive training, and so: no, the fact that you spent every day, between the ages of five and seven, playing the game “Operation” does not qualify you for this position. (Well done though! Very impressive!)
Doctor McKenzie has also asked me to point out that, as a medical practitioner, he is responsible for people’s lives and couldn’t care less if you frequently shout the word “stat!” when you want something done quickly, or whether “Elliot from Scrubs” gives you “the horn.” He’s also asked me to mention that he would no sooner let you “fiddle around in somebody’s skull” (as you so delicately put it) than he would let you trim his pubic hair with a chainsaw. (Jeez, what a grump, huh? Lol!)
Anyway, sorry for the bad news, and I hope I’ll get to see you in the hospital one day soon! (Lol! I didn’t mean it like that! ROFL!)
3. British High Court Judge
Dear Mr. Elliott.
Well, what can I say? In all my years on the bench, I have never been quite as overwhelmed by a piece of correspondence as the one now sitting on my desk.
Sadly, I have never heard of The Punisher or Judge Dredd but I can assure you that your admiration of these two gentlemen certainly does not qualify you to navigate the intricacies of the British legal system.
Also, Mr. Elliott, this is not a fashion show! The fact that you think you’d “rock one of those weird, curly lawyer wigs” and that “red” has always been “your colour” has absolutely nothing to do with the vital work of a High Court Judge. In other words, one’s average working day is spent maintaining the line between order and chaos, and not going out of one’s way to be Jean-Paul-fucking-Gaultier!
On the other hand, I’m overjoyed to hear that you’re “good with a hammer,” so perhaps you could use this skill to find employment in a trade more realistic for someone of your qualifications and experience.
Stunning cows in a slaughterhouse, for example.
4. Astronaut
Dear Fellow Traveller on this Voyage of Discovery We Call “Life,”
As a man with many decades of space exploration behind him, I’m always eager to meet people with an innocent, wonderous, childlike view of the universe. After all, are we not all children at heart? Learning more about our own galaxy and ourselves with every new step we take into the vastness of space?
When it comes to you, the answer is “no.”
You are not a child at heart. You are clearly just an overgrown toddler.
Firstly, the phrase, “I know all the words to ‘Space Oddity'” is not the best way to start off an application to NASA.
Secondly, as impressive as your knowledge of Star Trek may be (original series and “Next Gen”) you are very unlikely to encounter Klingons or Romulans in our training programmes. In other words, the “phaser” that your Mom bought you for Christmas really wouldn’t be useful in any way whatsoever, although I do appreciate your honesty in telling us that it “isn’t fully operational” but looks “cool as shit.”
Finally, to answer your question, yes, I do see a future when all of humanity will be able to travel through space, to explore distant galaxies, and to “boldly go where no man has gone before.”
It’s a beautiful idea, isn’t it?
Sadly, however, even in this utopian vision of years to come, I still can’t imagine them letting a shaved ape like you on board!
5. President of the United States
Dear Patriot,
Thank you for your interest in this position. We’ll literally consider anyone right now.
As you rightly said in your application, “qualifications” and “experience” are not the kind of thing that are likely to hold you back when it comes to this position. Even your phrase “I like to blow shit up” is no longer inappropriate for such a high office, and your “old school” attitude to ethnic minorities is exactly what we’re looking for here at the White House at the moment.
I do, however, have one small criticism: the multiple references to your love of “Superman” and your belief in “Truth, Justice, and the American Way”. The Superman comparison is fine (we have no problem with massive egos here at the White House), but “Truth” and “Justice” are quite divisive subjects here at the moment.
As much as I would love to offer you an interview, I’m afraid that due to the high turnover of staff here at the White House, I may no longer have a job by the time I’ve finished writing this email. I’ve even started to clear my desk, as I’ve been here for at least two weeks, and I think it’s probably time to check Twitter to see if I can still support my family.
Please direct any further inquiries to my replacement, or their replacement, or their replacement’s replacement.