Dear Amazing Prime Member —
Thank you for being a valued member of Amazing Prime. We are notifying you about an upcoming change to your membership.
The price of the annual membership will be increasing from $99 to $119, allowing Amazing Prime customers to continue to enjoy Free Two-Day shipping. This benefit will not apply to the 47% of our items, which are sold and fulfilled by third-party sellers; nor to the many items that are “not eligible for Amazing Prime” unless piled in your cart with products you don't need, but will probably buy—like the hand-held strawberry slicer, or ball-cleansing Dude Wipes.
Amazing Prime offers an unparalleled combination of shopping and entertainment benefits.
Members enjoy unlimited streaming access to thousands of movies, though not necessarily movies you want to see, like The Shape of Water, or that obscure documentary about the maker of those evangelical pamphlets you passed out with your church youth group when you were a kid in the Midwest back when y'all were trying to convert people away from Satan's powers.
We are, however, committed to making you feel like you are a premium customer. You will continue to enjoy the benefit of receiving items as small as a tropical drink swizzle stick in a 3-foot box encased in a mound of plastic pillows that takes 10,000 years to biodegrade. As we invest in making Prime even more valuable for our customers, we remain committed to shipping 1,600,000 packages per day. Be assured that the majority will continue to land in the small lobby of your brownstone, feeding your condo neighbor's purchasing addiction, spawned and fueled by Amazing Prime's unlimited shipping, no minimum order threshold—an addiction that took root long before we started to quietly but methodically shrink the number of items eligible for free shipping.
Accordingly, as we expand, so too will your neighbor's collection of tchotchkes and paraphernalia, already spilling out from his apartment and miniscule storage space into the common area. Items include, but are not limited to: assorted plastic elves, a wooden purple and orange rose Halloween display, flip flops, exercise equipment, and Barbra Streisand CDs.
The postman, who knows damn well that you work from home, will ring your buzzer twice on a good day, but realistically, closer to four or five times. It is expected that you will drop everything and bolt down four flights of dog shit-stained stairs to sign for the massive quantities of useless merch ordered by your neighbor—who is for sure out walking his pug—thus adding to the tower of boxes that have already rendered your foyer an impenetrable fortress of cardboard.
No further action is required. You may manage your membership anytime by visiting Your Amazing Prime Account.
The Amazing Prime Team