Welcome in! Are you ready for me, a 19-year-old with a purple pixie cut and a tattoo of a circus elephant on my arm, to make you, a grown-ass woman with a mortgage, spiral into a hair-related anxiety attack? Great!

My computer says it’s been over 18 months since you were in for a haircut? You do know quarantine has only been 12 months, right? Okay, just checking.

Let’s wash this mess before we get started. Go ahead and have a seat while I smash your neck into this sink. You don’t seem very comfortable. Try to relax—really let that freezing cold water I keep splashing on you help you unwind.

What have you been up to during Covid, other than neglecting your split ends, obviously? Did you box dye your hair? I thought so. Yeah, it’s mostly faded, but in beauty school, I learned how to hear the strands of hair crying out for the sweet release of death. So you can understand their suffering, I’ll go ahead and drip some of this high-end shampoo in your eye. It smells like apricots and stings like a bitch, isn’t that fun?

Wow, I’ve never scrubbed out that much product build-up before. What shampoo have you been using? Haha, Pantene, good one! No, seriously, what… oh. You weren’t joking. Okay. So, with the drugstore brands, you might as well just light your head on fire. Your hair might even look better because at least it’d burn off the build-up. I strongly recommend that you buy this shampoo that costs more than a new set of tires instead.

So, what are you looking to do today? Great, you brought a reference photo. Oh, I like this look, but Scarlett Johansson has what we call an “attractive face shape” so while this looks good on her, it isn’t a good fit for you.

Yeah, this one is nice too, but let’s get real, are you going to have the energy to sweep those bangs all the way to the side every day? I mean, look at you. Set reasonable expectations. How about I just hack off the ten inches of matted horror that you’ve been dragging around like an albatross and we go from there.

Wow, this is taking a while. My scissors are completely dull now. Hey, Jessica! Do you have a machete at your station I could borrow? This gal’s hair is basically bamboo.

Phew, almost done. Who did you murder in a past life to end up with this scalp? Also, I know it’s probably uncomfortable when I keep snagging your earrings with this machete but please try to keep still.

Okay, ten inches gone! You must feel 50 pounds lighter. Donate your hair? I mean, it’s a nice gesture, but those kids have enough problems.

Now that you’re presentable, I’m gonna show you how to blow dry and style your new cut. It’s super simple. First, you’re gonna press this hairdryer against your scalp until you hear it sizzle. Then you’re gonna use your other arm to roll your hair under using this brush that is roughly the same size as an industrial combine harvester. With your third arm, you’re going to lightly work in some of this styling cream. Make sure you buy some. It smells like a Dollar Store lip gloss, comes in a thimble, and costs as much as a graduate credit at Cornell!

Okay, let’s get you all fixed up. We’ve got your styling cream and shampoo. Does your hairdryer at home have the ability to melt your face off? No? Well, you’re gonna need that. Here’s the one I recommend. It doubles as a kettlebell for squat workouts and costs $350. I also encourage you to buy this DNA test so you can see which side of your family to blame those cowlicks on.

We can schedule you now for your next appointment. To keep your new cut looking fresh, I recommend coming in every six days. No, we don’t have to schedule right away. If you think it’ll be another 18 months before you come back, though, we sell a Paul Mitchell paper bag you can put over your head for when you go out in public. It’s $74.99, are you interested?

Man, my arms are exhausted. I bet you feel so much better now that babies don’t burst into tears when they see you! That will be $250 for the cut and $975 for all your supplies. How much of a gratuity would you like to leave today?