I’ve always known I’m superior to everyone else on Earth and no one has told me otherwise. Well, the people who have tried to tell me otherwise are on a list I like to call “People I Ignore Because They Can’t Handle the Real Truth,” which is the same as saying nobody on Earth has told me otherwise. Because they’re nobodies, and I’m somebody—The Most Important Person on Earth, that’s who.

Some of you might call that textbook narcissism, but you don’t matter, because you aren’t me. That’s one major benefit of being The Most Important Person on Earth: people say things and I don’t have to listen. I’m too busy thinking about how I can take all of something for myself before any of you have a chance at it.

You might think I’m completely oblivious to the concept of shared social norms and values, and the fact is—you’re right. I don’t have time to consider the group benefit of mutually-agreed upon strategies for the betterment of a community when I’m The Most Important Person on Earth. God made me this way, so it’s his fault I’m debilitatingly insecure and completely incapable of controlling my sociopathic tendencies.

But I don’t panic. I’ve never panicked. What’s there to panic about? The world revolves around me and I’m taken care of first because my life matters more than yours. So why would gasoline rationing apply to me? Think about it. If you were The Most Important Person on Earth, you’d understand. But you’re not, so shut up and listen to what I have to say.

Have you read Atlas Shrugged? No, don’t answer that. Even if you had, you wouldn’t have understood it as well as I did. But the next time it comes up in conversation, you can tell everyone you met a real-life John Galt.

Ayn Rand argued—come back here, I’m still talking—Rand argued that capitalism is the only practical social system that enables individuals to reach their full, glorious potential. See? Living in a capitalist society has allowed me to fulfill my destiny as The Most Important Person on Earth. Atlas Shrugged asserts that superior people deserve to rule all the lesser-thans because they’re smarter. And I’m the epitome of a superior person, so that makes it my right to hoard all this gas. Rand says you should act on facts, not feelings, and the fact is I’m simply the best. Deal with it, with your disgusting “feelings.”

What do you mean, what about all these other people here? None of them are The Most Important Person on Earth and none of them had the foresight to hire 30 drivers to scour the city and fill up their cars with gas to bring back to my estate. Of course I have an estate; who do you think you’ve been talking to?

Look, just hand over those 10-gallon jugs you filled up and I’ll tell my drivers to stop blocking all the exits. Where you gonna go, smart guy? And here, you get this business card that says “I Met The Most Important Person on Earth.”

See you at the next shortage.

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