You really believe your tokens are non-fungible? Well, buckle up cryptopunk because I’m about to shake up this space more than nerds thought NFTs would. Everything in life is fungible, tokens being no exception. They’ve been funged long before we were born, and they’ll continue to be funged after we die. By the time I’m through with your tokens, they will be funged beyond recognition.

Tokens have a rich history of being funged, only a thorough fool would be filled with such hubris to even suggest they could prevent the circle of funge from running its natural course. I’ve been funging for years. It’s my passion and I’m good at it. I funged tokens before I could read.

In high school, my father wanted me to play football, but all I wanted to do was funge with my friends. When I skipped tryouts to go to a funge sesh downtown he pleaded, “Son, you’re giving up your dream!” To which I replied calmly, but firmly, “No, dad. I’m giving up yours.” Once I explained that funging tokens is actually a viable career path, he reckoned with my decision. Just like you should reckon with my decision to funge your tokens to a fibrous pulp.

You have a token that’s non-fungible? I bet you have a girlfriend that goes to a different school too, loser. Better not let me around your tokens or your imaginary girlfriend because I am not afraid to lay on the funge with undeniable charm. Your made-up lover and made-up money do not stand a chance around Captain Fungerpants himself.

Oh, you own several thousand dollars worth of Bored Ape NFTs? Welcome to the fungle, idiot. I own exact digital replicas, or screenshots, which are coincidentally also on the cutting edge of digital currency. Consider your attempts to achieve financial freedom, thwarted. I disrupt the blockchain. I drink your milkshake. I funge your tokens.

What likely started as proud ownership of a little AMC stock quickly devolved into a frenzy of misguided enthusiasm for assigning value to the useless. With your savings account empty and an online shopping cart chock-full of $800 Supreme hoodies you were tweeting “diamond hands lesgo!” ready to cash in on the latest trend.

Honestly, part of me sympathizes with you. Money is barely real, and the idea of value is whatever we want it to be, but that doesn’t mean we need to go overboard with it. The most expensive NFT to date was sold for $91.8 million. If that doesn’t make you want to throw up, regain your composure, then enlist in the noble crusade to funge tokens until the day you die, then I’m afraid you’re already a willing prisoner to the blockchain and my sworn enemy.

Funging tokens started out as a part-time venture, but pending a strong Q2, I could be funging full-time in a couple of months. I’m excited, but a little hesitant to turn my passion project into a revenue stream. Just like you should’ve been hesitant to plan your fiscal well-being around a couple of tokens retaining their “unfunged” status.

I refuse to believe these tokens cannot be funged. They told me that child’s snack was uncrustable and look what happened there. Don’t make me call my cousins from Southie. We’ll turn this into the Boston NFT Party and funge your tokens right into the Charles River. If we catch you around our part of town there’ll be two sounds: me funging your tokens and you hitting the floor.

Now if you’ll excuse me, these tokens aren’t going to funge themselves. Keep your wits about you because when you least expect it, I will funge.

The crypto market never sleeps? Well neither do I.