To the employer pretending to read these applications,

My name is Etmay Storm, or at least it can be if that sounds like more of a fitting name for the job. I’ve also workshopped other names like Gale Force, Itsa Scorcher, Summer Day, or if you just want to throw all subtlety out the window, Cloud Precipitation. After skimming LinkedIn for approximately seven whole minutes, it is with an uncomfortable amount of enthusiasm that I am applying for the position of Weather Forecaster in the Los Angeles area.

Conveniently enough, my skills happen to be perfectly suited for this position. Not only am I able to spell both of the words “hot” and “dry,” but I can also say them with my mouth, so there’s no need to worry about me messing up the forecast on air! I even just bought the latest issue of Merriam-Webster’s Thesaurus, so I will soon be able to bring some variety as I describe L.A.’s weather each day.

I am also great at smiling and nodding as I grit through my teeth, which will come in handy if you ever need me to go into the field and seem like it’s totally fine and normal that we have a reporter on-site during a wildfire, tornado, or other natural disaster.

My relevant experience includes an internship last summer where I was one of those people in costumes holding a sign on the side of the road in an attempt to attract customers to the store (listed on my resume under “marketing specialist”). This was an invaluable experience where I learned how to stand and point, two skills which I will vigorously apply to this position so the weather mappers can make what I’m doing seem relevant on the digital display.

Even more importantly, all those days of desperately waving a sign as people stared at me from their cars slowly broke me down to the point where I have absolutely zero shame anymore. After researching your news agency by watching blooper reels of all the embarrassing things you’ve made some of your newscasters do, I’m prepared to go full “woman rapping the forecast” if need be or do whatever other totally bizarre idea you come up with to try and make the forecast any at all interesting.

Please lightly skim my attached resume and note Robert Bigdeal on my references. He plays golf with my dad every two years, so hopefully you won’t call to verify he actually knows me and instead just trust that he’d vouch for my skills.

I look forward to the opportunity to further discuss this position and lie when you ask about any other skills I may have until you inevitably find out I was lying on the first day. My contact details include an email address which I just created so that I’m not using [email protected] anymore or my cellphone where I’ve forgotten my voicemail greeting is still me doing that prank where I pretend like I actually answered the phone.

You’ve probably stopped reading at this point,

Etmay Storm