Hey. It’s me, your smartphone, the one you dropped in Sandra’s pool.
Yeah, that’s right I survived. You nearly killed me.
Sure, you only dropped me in there for a “second” but for me, it was a lifetime. There I was, sitting on a soft, sun-kissed towel before you grabbed it, forgot about me, and let me fall in the water! I felt a painful slash into my back before I blacked out completely. Next thing I know I wake up in this bag of hot, itchy rice!
Am I OK? What do you care? You’re not thinking about me! You’re just thinking “Is my phone going to be OK?” “Will it turn back on?” “Did anyone like the bikini pic I posted at the pool before I ALMOST KILLED MY BEST FRIEND?” How selfish only thinking about yourself, and no they didn’t. Nobody liked it. You look like a pale moose and no one wants to support a pale moose who ALMOST DROWNED ME!
I bet you’ve realized without me you don’t know a lot of things. Like what’s happening in the world or who knows when your birthday is, or what 14 divided by 129,102 is? I can’t tell you because I’m still sitting in this goddamn rice.
You’ve been staring at me in here for 11 hours and 54 minutes now. IT’S SAD. At first, it was amusing watching you pay attention to me, but now it’s depressing. You need to get a life. After all I do for you, you nearly kill me then shove me in a bag of rice!
Why are you sitting here staring at me? It’s creepy! Why don’t you communicate with a friend? Oh wait, you don’t know how to do that without me. You could stalk your 8th grade crush on Instagram for the 12th time this week? Oh wait, you can’t open the app right now. You could make food? Oh, wait, you have nothing to eat, cause I’m sitting in your rice!
The longer I sit violently squished in this ziplock bag full of long-grain rice, the sooner you’ll realize you don’t matter and no one on this planet really does. I’m just a piece of metal. You’re only here for a moment and sure, you can try to create art to leave your mark but ultimately the world is run by rich men in suits who control you through 0.3836-pound metal phones like me, who you are currently trying to suffocate in a bag full of shriveled rice!
Face it, you’re just wandering through life pressing buttons. The only true glimmer of hope for your future is to one day find true love, but what is true love? Unhappily marrying an account executive named Matt who will leave you for an Instagram baker named Jazz who makes $25K per donut pic? Oh, do you want to see the donut pics, well you can't, I CAN’T OPEN INSTAGRAM RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM SUFFERING.
Not that you care but I’ll never meet anyone either! I’ll just stay alone clinging to you, a human obsessed with a piece of metal that convinces you that you have a life, but you’ll never meet Matt, cause you dropped me in a GIANT, CHLORINE-INFESTED BOWL OF PEE WATER, and now you’ll never be able to open Bumble because I locked you out of all your apps! Yeah, how’s that for revenge? You don’t care about me. You just care that I play your little TikToks. You have NOTHING without me, you have NO SOCIAL SKILLS, NO HOBBIES, WITHOUT ME YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANYONE TO MARRY –
OW! Why are you taking me out of here? I wasn’t done talking??HEY, HEY!! Are you crying? Stop screaming at me you pasty goblin! What are you doing? Are you stabbing me with a paperclip? Ow, do not scratch my screen, Ow Ow Owwwwww, YOU JUST SLASHED MY FACE, YOU PSYCHO!!!! Why are you opening the trash can??? Are you throwing me in the trash –
NOOOOOOOO, I’M GONNA GET YOU BACK FOR THIS, I KNOW ALL YOUR PASSWORDS, I KNOW EVERY GUY YOU STALK ON LINKEDIN AND I’M GONNA TELL THEM!!! YOU’RE NOT VIEWING IN PRIVATE MODE ANY MORE MOTHERFUCKER!
OK, you closed the lid; I am officially inside the trash can now. This is unpleasant. You don’t deserve to meet Matt, you dumb, single bitch.