I have been known for a number of things in my life, although predominantly as the great mind that has brought you delectable reality programming such as The Circle and Love is Blind. Viewers have described my work as “disconcerting” and “like a flaming hot pile of garbage that you can’t tear your eyes away from,” and to those spectators, I extend my utmost thanks.

It has taken years of hard work and perseverance to bring America’s great shame to the small screen and—not to toot my own horn—it never could have been done without me.

One question I receive all the time is: “How do you cast the characters on these shows?” Well, my dear, I travel across the country from Beverly Hills to Orange County to find my unique and vibrant television personas. As for what I look for in my auditionees, well, I select individuals that are the human embodiments of a dilapidated farmhouse but in heels and contour. My goal with these expressionistic pieces of reality artwork is to curate a vibe that screams “HELP.” But, don’t be fooled, selecting contestants is not as simple looking for immediate signs of disaster. No, the key is to look for the potential for chaos. A wild eye, a slight twitch, and loud jarring laughter at jokes that simply are not that funny, will do.

I am also often asked about my plans for the future. What other works do I have in the making? What other pitches have I brought to the table? Well, an active and creative mind such as myself cannot be satisfied for long! Some of the other shows that Netflix currently has in development that I have played a role in are: Love is Bind, a show that helps dominatrixes find their one true submissive; The Miscommunication, a show in which contestants find true love by spending time with their lover in person but are only allowed to communicate through text; and—last but not least–-The Communist; a show in which high-powered executives compete for $5 million cash prize by seeing who can live in a rural California commune for the longest period of time.

My signature traits as a producer are bringing people together who probably shouldn’t be together and separating people by arbitrary barriers, a trend that is sure to alter the course of reality television for years to come. However, I am sure that I have yet to create my magnum opus, for I foresee many more years of inflicting mindless, compelling torture on American viewers.

Yes, only I alone can propel these individuals with obscure job titles like “content creator” and “sales” into Instagram stardom, and it is not a responsibility I take lightly. To be entrusted with bringing the downfall of a major streaming platform is no small task and it is one that I have embraced in all of its destructive glory.

Such innovation does not just come to me unprompted! Each day I awaken at 2:17 PM and cleanse my space by burning sage. Then, I must create the perfect ambiance to get my creative juices flowing. First, I light incense with the scent of a soul cycle gym post-class to curate a vibe that truly captures the sweaty, overcharged anxiety of the millennial elite. As I sip on my CBD turmeric latte with hemp milk and smoke my mid-afternoon-morning blunt, I ruminate, “What can I make trendy, that everyone will despise from the bottom of their souls, and yet, for some reason, feel compelled to do?”

And voila, the floodgates open, and I am drenched in a golden shower of inspiration.


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