My fellow Americans, I’d like to take this opportunity to address the damaging rhetoric about me that has been circulating in recent weeks.
Due to a campaign of misinformation run by my political opponents, the voters currently see me as an out of touch billionaire unfit for public office and unable to understand the concerns of young adults. That is just not true. In fact, I interact with young Americans every day! Why you ask?
Simple, I subsist on the life force of beautiful young people whose souls I steal from their body dementor style.
This straightforward and relatable activity allows me to get close with the American youth daily, all because they happen to be a potent source of energy for me to consume. These hurtful accusations imply I am some sort of aloof and opulent aristocrat and conveniently ignore that I ingest the human spirit of the youth every day! These lies are untrue and don’t represent the real me, a soul devourer.
To say that I do not understand the everyday American and their struggle because I am a billionaire is an outrageous mischaracterization. I spend time with an adolescent American every morning as I feed on their very essence for breakfast. I literally feel their struggles, taste their fears, and nibble their dreams as the virile light in their eyes becomes my own. The idea that I am some detached billionaire is as ludicrous as the idea of me feasting upon anything other than the stolen vivacity of young beautiful people.
Another common tactic deployed by the media is asking a politician like me the cost of everyday household items to expose my alleged disconnection from modern society. Another biased trap; I just don’t happen to purchase products the media deems “common” or “affordable”. But I know how much things cost! I buy things all the time. As a random example, the soul of one millennial that does CrossFit and never needed braces is $10M. No one asks me about the price of that particular breakfast item! The sheer randomness of asking about obscure animal products like milk or eggs is the true crime here. Not my personal net worth and certainly not my practice of binge-eating beautiful young people’s divine spark to capture eternal youth.
Don’t believe me? Ask my good friends and fellow humans Mark Cuban and Elon Musk! They’ll tell you that I am a man of the people. They’ll tell you that I don’t eat anything else. Look inside one of my many, many pantries. What you will see are the writhing souls of gorgeous young people, honestly harvested for the simple and down to earth pleasure of immortality.
The America I know doesn’t jump to conclusions. The America I live in doesn’t assume the worst in people. The America I crave is full of vivacious young people oozing to the brim with vitality willing to sell it to the highest bidder. That’s the America I believe in and the America I dream of leading and ultimately devouring for my personal benefit. And the fact that I’m a billionaire, who happens to have an appetite for youthful human souls, should not stop me from fulfilling this dream.