Though I have enjoyed the last twelve years I spent working for this company, my days are unfortunately numbered as I am giving my two weeks notice. This may come as a shock since on many occasions I have said that I planned to be buried inside this office when I die, not unlike a pharaoh’s tomb. I even went to the extent of drawing up the legal paperwork necessary for this to become a reality, but you’ll recall that you refused to sign off on it, claiming that “it would be inappropriate for a place of business to house the corpse of a former employee, much less one embalmed through ancient Egyptian practices.” However, we both know the real reason you refused: you are a coward who is afraid my ghost will haunt the office.
I digress, as none of this has anything to do with my decision to depart from the company. Instead, another profession has beckoned me away from this job. I am of course referring to cowboying, following the many compliments I received on my cowboy Halloween costume. Multiple people said, “Hey, that’s a cool costume,” and I got to thinking, what if it weren’t a costume? This was two years ago, and you’ll no doubt have noticed that in addition to wearing my cowboy clothes (I no longer refer to them as a costume any more than you would refer to your shirt and tie as a costume) every day since then, I have begun to use cowboy lexicon in my everyday speech. For instance, when I would have answered my phone, “James Bolan, sales department” before, I now answer my phone by shouting, “YEE-HAW, you’ve reached Jimmy B, the rootin’ tootin’ wildest cowboy on the new frontier! How may I be servin’ y’all today?”
Soon after adopting this form of greeting, I noticed that I lost many (most) of my clients. Oddly enough, they wanted a salesman who was neither rootin’ nor tootin’, but instead, valued professionalism and dedication to their clients. To them I say, if you want a salesman who spends all day on the phone, “negotiating deals,” or “working hard,” look elsewhere. But if you want a salesman who spends all day practicing spitting into a spittoon so it makes a “ping” noise, I’m your guy.
My realization that my cowboy lifestyle cannot coexist with my professional life has been a difficult one. For example, who could forget the numerous fires I caused in the kitchen by putting a can of baked beans in the microwave? When told to take the beans out of the can if I wanted to microwave them, I shouted, “Cowboys eat beans right out of the can! That’s how we do it in the West!” which many complained was not only creating a hostile work environment, but geographically inaccurate since our office is located in Maine.
Also, regarding my horse, I would like to apologize for the damage she causes on a daily basis to the office (though without a hitching post in the parking lot, something I have routinely requested and not received, I am not sure that I can accept all of the blame). The office carpeting is clearly not designed to withstand a horse trotting on it any better than the computers and desks are designed to withstand a forceful kick from the hind leg of an eleven-hundred-pound animal.
Further, I am well aware that it was an unpopular decision for me to sneak into the office in the middle of the night and replace all the chairs with bales of hay. I thought this would not only make me feel more at home, but improve my co-workers posture. Had I known that Ronald’s back would lock up from sitting on an object with, let’s face it, no back support, and cause him to be bedridden for a week, I probably would not have done it.
Undoubtedly there is a big question on everyone’s mind; will I become a good cowboy or a bad cowboy? This is something I have given much thought, and after some soul-searching, I have decided to become a bad cowboy. For this reason, I will kindly ask you, along with everyone else in the office, to hand over any money/jewelry they have before I leave on my final day in two weeks. (I know this quarter has been very busy, so that is why I am giving you an advance warning of the robbery.)
Thank you for helping to make my job experience a memorable and pleasant one. I wish you and the company luck in the future.
Rootin’ Tootin’ Wildest Cowboy on the New Frontier
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