I will only eat smoothies for breakfast. I will make them myself using kale, spinach, berries, and a hint of almond butter, for texture. They will be tasty and filling.

I will wake up every morning at 6:30 am, fully-rested, and go on a 6-mile run. I’ll enjoy it the entire time.

I will not have to worry about Republicans not keeping a senile president who hates people who look like me in check.

I will appreciate the artfulness of daily routine. My studio apartment will be my artist’s studio. My neighborhood will be my canvas. My un-airconditioned 1 train will be my inspiration.

I will be able to listen to the Hamilton cast recording without crying.

I will become the go-to voice of modern culture at my workplace. The arbiter of good taste. Suck it, Brandon… Mr. I-Spent-All-the-Summers-of-my-Childhood-in-Barcelona. Who’s the cultured one now?

I will go to the Whitney Museum.

I will Google where the Whitney Museum is located.

I bet Brandon doesn’t even know where the Whitney Museum is located.

I will not be completely terrified every time I see a white man wearing a red hat.

All my lunches will be Soylent.

Or alternately, Sweetgreen.

I will never be hungry.

I will get fucking ripped.

I’ll leave my job at the Outback Steakhouse and somehow start working as a graphic designer at West Elm.

I will not have to learn graphic design. I guess I’m just a natural.

The figurative hole in my gut that has been festering since November 8th, 2016 will begin to heal.

So will the literal hole in my gut.

I will know SO much about contemporary photographers.

I will own a coffee table book of artistic nudes.

My breath will always be minty-fresh.

I will be able to look at an American flag without that feeling of anger.

I will text Claire again.

Claire will text me back.

I will go to the movies alone.

If Claire doesn't text back. But she will.

I’ll enjoy the flavor of matcha.

I will not have to worry about no one in government questioning the insane, racist, utterly inhumane immigration policies that Stephen Miller has successfully pushed through for almost two years.

I will be able to look at the Statue of Liberty and not let out a long sigh followed by a brief moment of silence. Then just walk away.

I will finally shake off that feeling that moving to the US was a mistake.

I will floss every day.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.