I will only eat smoothies for breakfast. I will make them myself using kale, spinach, berries, and a hint of almond butter, for texture. They will be tasty and filling.

I will wake up every morning at 6:30 am, fully-rested, and go on a 6-mile run. I’ll enjoy it the entire time.

I will not have to worry about Republicans not keeping a senile president who hates people who look like me in check.

I will appreciate the artfulness of daily routine. My studio apartment will be my artist’s studio. My neighborhood will be my canvas. My un-airconditioned 1 train will be my inspiration.

I will be able to listen to the Hamilton cast recording without crying.

I will become the go-to voice of modern culture at my workplace. The arbiter of good taste. Suck it, Brandon… Mr. I-Spent-All-the-Summers-of-my-Childhood-in-Barcelona. Who’s the cultured one now?

I will go to the Whitney Museum.

I will Google where the Whitney Museum is located.

I bet Brandon doesn’t even know where the Whitney Museum is located.

I will not be completely terrified every time I see a white man wearing a red hat.

All my lunches will be Soylent.

Or alternately, Sweetgreen.

I will never be hungry.

I will get fucking ripped.

I’ll leave my job at the Outback Steakhouse and somehow start working as a graphic designer at West Elm.

I will not have to learn graphic design. I guess I’m just a natural.

The figurative hole in my gut that has been festering since November 8th, 2016 will begin to heal.

So will the literal hole in my gut.

I will know SO much about contemporary photographers.

I will own a coffee table book of artistic nudes.

My breath will always be minty-fresh.

I will be able to look at an American flag without that feeling of anger.

I will text Claire again.

Claire will text me back.

I will go to the movies alone.

If Claire doesn't text back. But she will.

I’ll enjoy the flavor of matcha.

I will not have to worry about no one in government questioning the insane, racist, utterly inhumane immigration policies that Stephen Miller has successfully pushed through for almost two years.

I will be able to look at the Statue of Liberty and not let out a long sigh followed by a brief moment of silence. Then just walk away.

I will finally shake off that feeling that moving to the US was a mistake.

I will floss every day.

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.