Yeah, it’s me, the incorporeal spirit of one of the greatest—nah, fuck it: THE singular, greatest genius of Western art.

Settle down. I don’t do this a lot, but I’m sick of my Twitter feed being filled with your bullshit (yes, unfortunately we have Twitter in heaven). I’m talking about the statues, and Jesus they suck. Dudes on horses. Dudes standing next to horses. Dudes holding a sword, a chick kneeling nearby. They all look the same! I mean holy shit did I leave zero legacy behind here? How are they all the same, and so bad? And not only do they look so uninspired, they’re missing the most important thing about statues:

The dicks.

I think I made it pretty clear in my oeuvre that statues are elegant, noble displays of the NUDE human form, in all its glory: ­­­­­from the delicately carved tufts of their hair, to the great trunks of their bare thighs, and especially to the sometimes puzzlingly small curve of their dicks. I mean, did no one in art school for the past two centuries take any ­­­­­­notes in their Michelangelo class? I am assuming they still spend at least a semester on me, right? Perspective, composition, form, balance—what’s the point of any of it if I’m not getting to peep some schlong? I mean half the time with these statues you can’t even see a bulge for God’s sake. You’re telling me there’s sculptors out there cleaving through massive slabs of granite just to chisel down to a pair of slacks and a blazer? I know the Renaissance was a pretty horny time but I didn’t realize how much things changed once they figured out plumbing.

I mean, did you see me sculpt or even paint someone wearing so much as a tunic? I guess I gave God a blouse, but that’s God for fuck’s sake. If you’re gonna erect a statue honoring some loser General who got owned defending slavery, at least let me see what he’s working with downstairs, capiche?

I can already hear you whining: “But Michelangelo, we need the clothes and the regalia to establish who this person is!” Uh, ever heard of subtly? I mean look at David—do you see a giant sash that says “DAVID, FROM THE BIBLE”? No, I gave him a sling and left you dipshits to fill in the blanks. If you need a subtle way to suggest someone is a racist general give him a camo hat and slap a NASCAR sticker on the hip, although even that feels redundant.

And what the fuck is this I’m hearing about moving these terrible statues to museums? Did they change the meaning of museum since I was around? It’s been a few hundred years, but when I was alive and crushing it, museums were for important things that you actually wanted to look at. If I had known that churning out shitty molds of slaveowners for town parks in Indianapolis qualified for museum status I wouldn’t have devoted, oh, my entire fucking life to perfecting art.

But that’s just me. Michelangelo, the most famous artist ever.

I guess that’s it—I have to run a “paint and sip” for a bachelorette in like ten minutes. But this better be the last time I hear about—god forbid look at—another mediocre, god-awful, historically revisionist statue in my entire afterlife.

If you need a way to commemorate history or whatever the excuse is, may I suggest the humble plaque? You know, a paragraph or two on a piece of bronze? Like the one I’m sure is next to Mona Lisa saying “painted by some amateur Michelangelo wannabe”?

Michelangelo out. Don’t @ me.

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