Dating is never an easy thing. A lot of men have self-confidence issues when it comes to putting themselves out there in order to find a really attractive female. You have to believe in yourself and put on your absolute best, but you also don't want your dating profile to look boring and generic. Somehow, you have to show that special someone that you're unique, unlike all the other guys out there.

First you must introduce yourself, then describe your occupation as well as your dreams and goals, and finally, provide details about all of the fascinating things that make you a truly amazing person.

I feel very concerned about this issue, so I have taken it upon myself to provide an example of what a dating profile should actually look like.


Greetings. I am a nefariously-offensive, existentially-confused, self-absorbed, narcissistic, sexually-frustrated, nihilistic iconoclast with delusions of grandeur and a psychotic, explosive temper who also happens to enjoy staring at people in a pathological manner while they sleep, and I am looking for a partner and a true love who will never cheat on me, punch me in the face, or smash my testicles in with a meat tenderizer.

Occupation / Career

I am a very ambitious person who believes that hard work and professional dedication really pay off. That's why I'm proud to say that I am a “Production Custodian” at the local cheese factory just down the street from where I live. I'm not actually involved on the business end of things or even the cheese production process itself, but I do sweep the floors and keep things looking really nice and clean for the important people when they show up.

Like I said, I am very ambitious. I know that if I sweep the floors fast enough, they will eventually notice me and let me in on some of the really cool business things that they do.

I also think they are highly impressed when I pull out my huge vacuum cleaner and penetrate those dirty office hallways like the mother-fucking, cleaning, “beast of a man” that I am. I may be going “corporate” someday…so just be prepared. (Wink! Wink!)

As a professional, I know that it's important to pace yourself so you don't get burned out. When I get tired from sweeping floors and vacuuming hallways, I venture into the employee restroom so that I can clean hard, crusty chunks of poop off the toilet seats. Sometimes the poop comes off easily and lands in the water with a nice little “ker-plunk.” But sometimes you really have to scrub at it in order to remove it from the toilet rim. If you're lucky, you can simply spray disinfectant on it until it turns green and slides off naturally.

I find that this often provides rest, comfort, and even some solitude away from the noise and stress of the factory floor.

Daily Life / Hobbies

I believe it's very important to live a balanced life. I work hard, but I also know how to have fun. At the end of each week, I kick off my shoes and drink an entire 24-pack of cheap beer while staring lethargically at the floor. I've noticed that if you drink lots of beer, chain smoke, and stare at the floor for several hours before getting up really fast and coughing, you will see pretty stars coming out from the corners of your vision.

If you do this in just the right way, the pretty stars will form a beautiful angel who sticks her tongue in your mouth and jerks you off. The only problem is that the result always seems to be the same: you wake up the next morning on the floor with your dick in your hand.

But rest assured, I don't do this every Friday night. I am a dynamic and versatile person. Sometimes I listen to sappy 80's love songs while crying deeply as I touch myself in a naughty place while considering the all-pervasive loneliness that continually invades my soul before I masturbate ferociously and then smash my own face into the bathroom mirror.

Thoughts on Masturbation

I will say that masturbation does cause feelings of guilt sometimes. It can also lead to the feeling that one is pathetic and socially unacceptable….especially if you do it in public while other people are watching.

Public masturbation is not something that I typically recommend, but I have noticed that the resulting feelings of guilt and shame can be released from your consciousness if you cut yourself repeatedly with a cheap BIC razor from Walmart. (They don't cost that much, are economically efficient, and can be easily disposed of as well.)

The more blood you let out, the less guilty you are going to feel…especially the type of guilt that occurs when you crank one off while facing the wall as you sit on the front end of your toilet seat or if you masturbate at an obtuse 163 degree angle on your couch as you stare out the window and watch birds fly by.

Letting blood out of your body not only releases these feelings of guilt, but it also reminds you that you are a person who has feelings.

And I am definitely a person who has feelings, which is why I'm looking for that special someone.

Likes/ Dislikes

I like upside-down bluff climbing, riding bicycles backwards, anal bowling, sideways cross-country ski fucking, and moderately thin women who don't have mustaches.

I don't like individuals who say that they have “people skills” on their resume. Saying you have “people skills” on your resume is basically like saying, “Yeah, I can talk you into this and make it sound really good as I slowly push your head down on my desk so that I can repeatedly put myself inside you.”

What I'm Looking For

I want someone who is just as unique and special as me. But I don't like people who judge. My last girlfriend once looked at me very angrily and said, “You know, even a door knob serves a purpose!”

I'm not completely sure what she meant by that. In fact, I've spent the last 7 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, 5 days, 11 hours, 34 minutes, and 12.792 seconds trying to figure out what she was trying to say.

It could also have been possible that she was just a mean-hearted, immature, controlling, two-faced, manipulative, behemoth of a cunt who deserves to be stabbed to death in a dark alleyway in the middle of a gang-infested inner-city…but who really knows?

Intellectualism and Documentaries

Knowledge and intellectualism are very important to me, which is why I enjoy certain documentaries such as:

  • I Might Be Ugly and Stupid, But I Did Actually Fuck the School Secretary
  • Men Who Become Horribly Disfigured After Falling Into Fast Moving Conveyor Belts… And the Women Who Still Love Them
  • Becoming Demonically Possessed After Sitting in a Haunted House All Night By Yourself: What To Do and What Not To Do


I just want that really special someone to show up in my life. I'm not sure why I haven't met her yet, but I'm hopeful that by putting myself out there honestly, she'll come sooner than later.

Continue to “Women, Here's What Your Dating Profile Should Really Look Like”