We would like to take a special moment this month to shine the employee spotlight on our new Production Custodian, Mr. Hymen Clit. Mr. Clit has served as our custodian for the past several months here at Pete’s Wood, the only lumber furniture factory utilizing only the biggest and hardest wood to produce superior furniture and decking. Pete’s Wood sources its material from lumberjack companies that penetrate deeply (and sometimes repeatedly) into the forest in order to locate massive, erect trees with plenty of girth.
Without further ado, let’s dig a little deeper into Hymen!
Job Duties
As production custodian, Mr. Clit is responsible for sweeping floors, taking out the garbage, and keeping the bathrooms clean. As we have proudly seen, Hymen can empty a tampon disposal container like it's nobody's business.
Because he’s not directly involved in the production process, other employees often rag on him, but Hymen Clit is no pussy! Pushing brooms and sweeping floors all day long is no easy task….especially when you're being called other names, like “shit-burger,” “penis-face,” “booger-head,” and “poopy-mouth.” A select few co-workers have even resorted to calling him an “elastic, moisture-dripping, tunnel of cheap love.” (The troubling part is that these select few co-workers are actually female.)
Mr. Clit hopes to one day build the world's biggest ball of scabs, and he promises he won't cheat by using any of his own boogers.
Nonetheless, Hymen pushes forward every day and keeps not only our floors but also our bathrooms clean…even after the majority of our employees take their lunch break just down the road at Big Billy Bob's Chili-Cheese Dog Shack.
Education and Background
Hymen received his education at “St. Tammy's Local School of Unexpected Miracles,” where he made it all the way to third grade. He excelled at recess, balloon-making, and pencil drawing…meaning that he was really good at drawing pictures of pencils. He almost received a mark of excellence in shoe-tying, but became overly excited during the “Shoe Tying Song” and got his fingers stuck in his shoe laces before falling forward (face-first) into a pile of thumb tacks that the other children had forgotten to pick up.
We’re not really sure about the rest of Hymen's background. We found him standing outside in our parking lot where he was staring at the sun with a tranquil (yet somewhat disturbing) look of euphoria on his face.
Personal Hobbies and Life Goals
Hymen's personal hobbies include staring lethargically at the living room wall of the abandoned camper he lives in, occasionally hallucinating, and picking scabs off his body so he can collect them in a special box that he keeps under his bed. Whenever he collects enough scabs to fill the entire box, he takes them out and pushes them all together into a big ball so that he can play catch with himself out in his backyard. Every time the ball of scabs falls apart, he begins the whole process over again.
Mr. Clit has some interesting life goals. He hopes to one day build the world's biggest ball of scabs, and he promises he won't cheat by using any of his own boogers, which he keeps in a separate box for an entirely different purpose. (He plans to fashion them into a rocking chair someday.) And despite the fact that he’s never had a driver's license, he also hopes to one day visit all four corners of the state of Iowa.
Recent Developments
We've been trying to get Hymen to date one of our office girls, Harriet Cockman. To save time pronouncing her full name, we've simply and affectionately given her the nickname Harry…. (well, nevermind).
She’s a rather large girl with completely natural and unshaven legs. She has a faint moustache and beautiful sideburns that look as if they’re still fighting to grow. She has many amazing personal qualities, and she needs love just like everybody else.
To get Hymen properly motivated, we tried showing him numerous pictures from dirty magazines; however, the images only seemed to confuse him. He couldn't figure out why all of the people in the pictures were fighting without any clothes on. He actually pointed at one image and asked why the woman looked so happy when she was on her knees with two guys peeing on her.
After engaging in deep reflection for a few moments, Hymen then stated that he wished to remain single within the realm of his own solitude and individual freedom in order to avoid the carnal pursuits of mankind so that he could seek to attain the rare and unique spiritual condition of total and complete Self-Actualization.
We've decided that showing Hymen pornographic images was probably a bad idea.
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Whether it’s a pile of dust on the floor, a hardened fecal stain on a toilet seat, or a container full of used tampons, Hymen marches forth like a soldier and completes all of his duties promptly.
Here at Pete’s Wood, where we pride ourselves on our company motto, “BIGGER, FASTER, LONGER, HARDER,” we can honestly say that Hymen Clit doesn't just do his job….HE OWNS HIS JOB!