Ahoy Trader Joe’s shoppers! Welcome back! Before you get to work on that shopping list, why not check out our new products? Right here, next to where we keep the cookie butter, ridiculously inexpensive wine, and cow bell that our employees ring for absolutely no reason, you’ll find all of our newest goodies.

Gluten-GMO-Guilt-Free Cauliflower Pizza Crust

Are you looking for a wildly specific, trendy pizza crust to wow all of your 20-something-year old friends with at the next dinner party you throw? Don’t kid yourself, we know our demographic and we’ve got you covered! The next time you plan on hosting a dinner party on your unpaid-internship salary, try grabbing one of our Gluten-GMO-Guilt-Free Cauliflower pizza crusts. Did we mention it’s free? Of GMOs that is! It’s actually only $7.99 though, so you’re practically making money.

$1 Mystery Wine

Was our $2 wine deal of the week too pricey for you? Well, don’t worry, because we heard you loud and clear. That’s why we’ve created a new spirit to drink while listening to Sufjan Stevens and quietly crying in your studio apartment with three roommates! We don’t know what kind of alcohol this is, so please refrain from asking our chipper, Hawaiian-print clad team members about it. What we do know is it’ll get you drunk, and fast! Cheers!

Salsa Verde Con Maize

From the makers of Trader Jose’s Salsa Rojo, comes a new type of salsa verde! Ignore the fact that we branded it “Trader Jose’s,” which is weirdly racist but also kind of niche and quirky, and come grab a sample! While you’re here, try picking up a bag of our new multi-grain scoops chips! Do they taste like the Tostitos Trademarked Oven-Baked Scoops Corn Chips? Well, they’re about as similar as our Joe Joe’s sandwich cookies are to Oreos! Which is to say, different. Right?

Cold-Brew Sparkling Coconut Water

Do these flavors make sense? Beats us! You didn’t ask for it, but we sure as heck made it anyway: introducing the new cold-brew sparkling coconut water. Trader Joe’s is all about cutting-edge, affordable products and that’s why we wanted to bring you the newest in trendy drink marketing! It’s like a free-for-all, in your mouth! And even if we botched this one up, we’ll be sure to win you back with our newest limited edition of dehydrated beet chips: BBQ!

Chocolate Peanut Cookie Butter Pretzel Bites

After putting together a multi-million dollar focus group of 23-year-old actors from The New School, we’ve decided to take everything you love about Trader Joe’s snacks and glob it all together into one conveniently easy bite-sized snack food! Find this treat next to the oatmeal flavored soap bars and cardboard tampons! Why did we flavor the soap? That’s a great question. No one really knows, but we’ll be sampling it next Thursday!

Free Avocados

Oh look! See that pile of perfectly ripe avocados by the cash register? Those are free! You might be asking yourself “how can they possibly earn any money doing that?” or “why?”, but that’s just our business model—don’t read into it too much! Now that we’ve got you inside of the magical sliding glass doors, grab an avocado, a fun sticker, and over 10,000 new great deals! C’mon, you can stuff more bags of frozen mandarin orange chicken into the back of your Prius! Go, go, go!

Brough to you by Trader Joe’s: Back Friday for the White Hipster with Dreadlocks. While supplies last.

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