Observation:
There's more hair than normal in the drain after I shower.
Hypothesis:
I'm going bald and everyone will think I'm ugly.
Research Program:
1. Tell wife I'm going to shave my head before I grow anything that can be confused for a comb-over.
2. Try not to look hurt when she says, “it's about time,” and, “don't forget to trim that ear hair as well.”
3. Shave head (and that ear hair as well).
4. Go to work and then to the pub to see if any of my collogues or friends say anything.
Materials Needed for Research Program:
1. Hair Clippers
Was the Hypothesis Correct?
No.
Alternative Hypothesis:
Since the only person who said anything was Jim from Human Resources and all he said was “Hey, you cut your hair!” flashing that vacuous of his, it does not appear that anyone of any importance cares and/or noticed. This is most likely because my attractiveness level has remained constant. Unfortunately, the empirical evidence supports the hypothesis that I am still attractive without much hair as well as the hypothesis that I was never attractive to begin with.
Opportunities for Further Research:
Due to spousal commitments, real-world attractiveness assessments are difficult to assess. Therefore, I recommend setting up two Tinder profiles, one with older, hirsute pictures and the other with newer, shaved-head pictures. Profile interest can be used to estimate attractiveness. Further evidence could be gathered by repeating the experiment on Grinder. Since I already have a phone, no additional funds are required, but spousal permission will be difficult, if not impossible, to obtain.
Observation:
Heart palpitations, shortness of breath, chest discomfort, “fight or flight” feelings, numb left arm
Hypothesis:
I'm having a heart attack and I will die soon.
Research Program:
1. Wake up wife and tell her I'm having a heart attack and will die soon.
2. Tell wife that she has to drive me to hospital because 1) I'm probably still too drunk to drive, 2) if I drive and die on the way, I'll crash the car and she won't be able to use it to get to work the next morning, and 3) if I don't die, we'll have to pay for the hospital visit and the ambulance ride will added needless costs.
3. Get tests done at hospital, including blood work and an EKG.
Materials Needed for Research Program:
1. Car
2. Wife
3. Hospital
4. Hospital Staff
Was Hypothesis Correct?
No
Alternative Hypothesis:
The hospital staff hypothesizes it was a panic attack combined with drunkenly falling asleep on my left arm. However, they said the symptoms were similar to heart problems so they understood why I came in. They also said it probably wouldn't be my last panic attack.
Further Research Opportunities:
The next time I have an attack I can simply wait for it to pass. If it passes, it was a panic attack and I'll live. If it doesn't, it was heart attack and I'll die. Regardless of cause, I'll be able to avoid further hospital costs when symptoms arise, so further funding is not needed.
Observation:
Is this mole new? I've never had one itch and bleed before. Aren't they supposed to be symmetrical?
Hypothesis:
I have skin cancer and I'm going to die soon.
Research Program:
1. Tell wife I have cancer and am going to die soon.
2. Calm her down by telling her this belief isn't based on a medical diagnosis.
3. Agree to see a dermatologist.
4. Also agree to stop being “crazy and freaking me out all the damn time.”
Materials Needed for Research Program:
1. Dermatologist
Was the Hypothesis Correct?
No.
Alternative Hypothesis:
According to the dermatologist, “sometimes moles itch.” Also according to the dermatologist, “this spot looks ‘weird' and should be tested.” (Note: the ‘weird' spot wasn't cancer either and I'm now 300 dollars poorer.)
Opportunities for Further Research:
The dermatologist recommends annual checkups because I've got “that kind of skin,” so now I'll be 300 dollars poorer every year.
Observation:
Where the fuck did this beer belly come from!
Hypothesis:
Beer.
Research Program:
1. Increase beer consumption by twofold while holding diet and exercise constant at current levels (i.e, poor/sedentary).
2. Notice wife's glare when she sees me going to the refrigerator for yet another beer.
3. Tell wife not to worry because I'm drinking for science.
4. Weigh self every two weeks for six months. If beer is causing weight gain, weight should increase, potentially substantially.
Materials needed for Research Program:
1. Bathroom Scale
2. Beer (one factor above base rate)
Was the Hypothesis Correct?
Yes!
Alternative Hypothesis:
None needed.
Further Research Opportunities:
The beer belly cause is now well established, but more research could be done on whiskey bellies and wine bellies. Further funding is required for proper study.