We all know last year was a disappointing season for my beloved Egg Boys, Central New Jersey’s once-premier minor league baseball team. They finished the year 1-141, and their sole victory came because the Trenton Sludge Beasts forfeited after their team’s catcher misplaced his knee pads. They turned out to be in his step dad's car, who had borrowed them for paintball, which was two betrayals (borrowing the knee pads without permission and not inviting his stepson to paintball).

However, I have eight reasons why the Egg Boys’ future looks brighter than the flames that engulfed the stadium’s Dippin’ Dots machine after its 2014 explosion.

Thanks to a Knife Buyback, Parking Lot Stabbings Are Down By 25%

I still wouldn’t recommend spending any more time in the parking lot than you have to, but if you’re able to score a spot close to the main entrance, there’s no reason why you should be afraid to come out and support the team. A safer parking lot means greater fan turn out (and fewer ambulance sirens, which have distracted the Egg Boys and affected their onfield performance in the past).

The Tar Pits Behind Third Base Have Been Filled In

That’s right. The oozing, bubbling collection of hydrocarbon and free carbon where Egg Boys’ left fielder, Vinny “The Incel” Matthews, famously lost his life is no more. Environmentally conscious fans should be pleased with how this was resolved too, as it was filled in with a bunch of stadium garbage and then re-sodded. And those looking for a dose of nostalgia need not worry; the sickening smell of sulfur still permeates throughout the entire stadium.

The Team is Refusing to Be Bullied by Meryl Streep’s Cease and Desist Letters and Continuing Their Tradition of Having Her Face on Their Hats

Meryl Streep is one of New Jersey’s treasures, and because she is a celebrity, the Egg Boys can and should profit off her likeness without paying her. This may infuriate Meryl Streep, but in my opinion, the animosity between the Egg Boys and Meryl Streep’s lawyers is one of the best rivalries in baseball.

Fans Get Free Admission If They Are Able to Defeat a Former MMA Fighter in Combat While He Wears The Humpty Dumpty Mascot Costume

Think you have what it takes to defeat the 55-year-old MMA fighter (with 5% body fat and a case of CTE like you’ve never seen) who dawns the Humpty costume in hand-to-hand combat, all so you can save fourteen dollars? Then hop in the hastily constructed octagon in the parking lot and give it a try!

The Stadium No Longer Doubles as a Holding Ground for Murderers Awaiting Sentencing

Last year was a PR nightmare when the turnkey guarding the murderers left his post so he could try to catch a t-shirt from the cannon during the seventh inning stretch. All the murderers escaped, and the fact that it happened on Free Piano Wire Night was just plain bad luck. Thankfully, Goose Egg stadium is no longer a jail, and will now be home exclusively to just the Egg Boys and the ghosts of all the fans who were murdered during the Piano Wire Hiccup of 2018.

Before Each Game, Every Players’ Family Will Be Kidnapped and The Players Will Be Told, “Want To See Your Family Again? You Better Win This Game”

Anyone with eyes could see the Egg Boys lacked grit on the field last year, but unlike his pill addiction, this is one problem head coach Joe Kowalski is addressing. And what better way than forcing his players to compete for their family’s safety? The thirteen-year-old batboy is not exempt from having his loved ones abducted and threatened either, especially after last year’s debacle in which he was caught doing his math homework in the dugout. If he’s too busy for the job, there are plenty of other boys who would be honored to wear the translucent Egg Boy uniform.

Fans Will No Longer Be Encouraged to “Just Go to the Bathroom Wherever”

What was thought to be a convenient temporary solution to a plumbing issue the stadium was experiencing quickly deteriorated into a situation that Tommy Hernandez, 7th grader and sports writer for the Woodborough Middle School paper, described as “a punishment unfathomable to a gentle mind.” The Egg Boys’ owners have heard your complaints and restored restroom facilities to 90% functionality for the upcoming season.

The Individuals Responsible for Putting Fans on the Jumbotron and Captioning it “Virgin Cam” Have Been Fired

For years, one of the biggest risks of attending an Egg Boys home game, in addition to the murder scenarios I listed, was that you’d be accused of being a virgin in public. With the employee firings, this is no longer likely, and as an extra precaution, Goose Egg stadium is refusing to sell tickets to virgins. This will ensure that no one will be shamed for being a virgin, since there will be no virgins to shame.

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