Hi! Bae! I’m in Soho.

My reply 🖊️

I only got your DM a few days ago. I want to thank you for its compliments; yes, I am skinny and my skin looks great. But, I cannot do more. I cannot go into the nature of your collabs. Collabs are not so expressible; more inexpressible than all is the subtle brand selfie, mysterious partnerships, the life of which, while ours passes away, endures.

After these lame/meta remarks, let me only tell you further that your collabs have no individual style. Yet some selfies show hidden beginnings of wonderment. I saw this in your “Casper collab.” You and your cat are on the bed in matching pajamas. Your legs look great. Your cat looks candid. For a thrilling moment, I forgot the post was sponsored.

The vulnerable selfie, where you cry over your IBS but showcase your smooth stomach and a box of Good Sense Imodium—is flat. These days, IBS is cool on TikTok. Save yourself from these general themes, and pursue everlastingness. Like a brand you really believe in, or one who pays beyond gifting the product.

You ask whether your collabs are good, compare them with other influencers. You have asked others. You DM like crazy. Give all that up.

Instead, in the stillest hour of your Lululemon meditation, ask yourself: must I post? Delve into yourself without the selfie-stick present. If you meet this earnest question with a strong and simple “I must,” then build your life according to this necessity. You will get to 100K followers.

See you in the comments,


Hey, bae. That rhymes. Haha.

I’m in Southampton. Near Calvin Klein’s house. Litty.

My response 🍸

You must forgive me, sweet bae, for it is only today I am remembering your DM of weeks ago: I have been unwell; not COVID, but oppressed by a screen-break lassitude that has made me incapable of doing anything, let alone replying to DMs. So I came to this Long Island, where I have been replenished before.

Please know that every DM, every like, every comment from you gives me great joy, even if I cannot reply to all of them. Before I provide any opinions, know that being an influencer, just like in the most important things, is an endeavor of human loneliness, and for one established influencer to truly assist another, a lot must happen. You must get an agent.

Two things more:

Selfies: Do not let yourself be governed by them, especially not in uncreative moments. Try to make use of a photo of you laughing and gingerly touching your beanie as a means of grasping life. But if you are getting too familiar, turn to more serious endeavors. Unexpected camera roll photos. Memes. Under the influence of these serious new things, the selfie will either fall from you, or strengthen into an instrument that will shape your art. And make your butt look great.

If I am to say from whom I have learned something about the nature of creative work, about its everlastingness, there are but two names I can mention: “Gigi” and “Hadid.” The selfies dripping with attitude! Make-up tips! Vintage family photos! Motherhood! The range is holy. Interrogate how she uses selfies. But never forget, she is hot, and that is the fundamental quality.




I’m in Ibiza. Luxury yacht brands are on my jock.

Nevertheless, response 🛥️

I feel better, it’s spring, there are sponsored crostinis and prosecco on deck, and despite overtanning, I greet you deeply, though I can say nothing helpful.

Your most recent selfie: Odd lighting! Asymmetrical orientation! Ugly-but-actually-hot face! This has found irony. No sponsorships, the sponsorships will come, the art deep and true and lonely and deep.

My apologies this DM cannot be longer, I am up next to speak at “Yachts for Tots.”

This selfie is likely the first, serious inward work in your life.

Yours forever,


I am on a sinking island in the Maldives. Climate change is so fucked up.

But bae, 🏝️

Apologies for the long wait, but it is now Christmas Eve and I’ve been spreading awareness vigorously from this resort.

You’ve grown so much since we started DMing. 100K followers. A grand achievement. The accomplishment must be immense in the face of the loneliness of human life.

You’re now a bona fide influencer, and with that, I want to say one parting thing, though everything I have said is not of value:

Influencing is only a way of living—so never forget you live to spread awareness and share beauty tips.
Lights. Camera. Eternal Fulfillment.

My dearest bae. That’s it.

Oh, and also, in the event that after my death you should seek to publish these DMs, my estate retains serial rights. Beyond that, just tag me.