When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one individual to dissolve the bands which have connected him with another and to assume among the powers of the lease agreement, a decent respect to the opinions of Terrence requires that we should declare the causes which impel us to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all roommates are created equal, that they are endowed by their landlord with certain unalienable rights, that among these are communication, cleanliness and the pursuit of equal fridge space. — That to secure these rights, a prior roommate agreement was instituted, — That whenever any unkempt roommate becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the other roommate to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new living accommodations, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their sanity and happiness.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that agreements long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, though we would not consider your messiness and disregard for boundaries neither light nor transient. When a long train of abuses and usurpations of our groceries, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute toxic roommate relationship, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw out such roommate, and to provide new locks for their future security. — Such has been our patient sufferance; and such is now the necessity which constrains us to alter our living arrangement. The history of Terrence is a history of repeated injuries and not properly splitting utility costs, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over this townhouse. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his assent to general showering, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has obstructed the administration of the chore chart, which clearly portrays him doing some chores some of the time.
He has taken our debit card on multiple occasions to buy shoes that he does not even need. He plays not sports of any kinds, and yet five pairs of cleats are kept among us.
He has refused for a long time to lock the door upon leaving the building, leaving us exposed to all the dangers of invasion therein.
He has kept among us a “third roommate” who “needed a couple nights to crash” which carried on to months.
He has allowed the aforementioned third roommate to use our toothbrush both for cleaning his teeth and the dirt under his fingernails.
He has combined with others to subject us to noise; giving his assent to their times of bedlam:
For quartering large bodies of noisy boozehounds among us:
For snoring at intolerable volume:
For trying his hand at trombone but only between the hours of three and four in the morning because that time frame “offers the best acoustics”:
For inebriating himself and others for “Drunk Disney” movie nights and crying their brains out when Mufasa dies:
For imposing his impression of an airhorn, and then blasting an actual airhorn so we see how similar it is:
For irrationally rubbing cheese graters against each other because it somehow reminds him of home:
For setting off the smoke detectors by putting waffles in the oven and just forgetting them there.
For drunkenly singing renditions of “Hello” by Lionel Richie to a karaoke track of “Hello” by Adele:
For intercourse, loud and in the top bunk:
For sobbing loudly that he has no one and nothing in the world but his cheese graters:
He has plundered our side of the room, wearing our sweaters and scarves without prior consent.
He has made judgments dependent on his will alone for the thermostat, one time further lowering the temperature in winter to “build stamina”.
He is at this time throwing a party in the residence without our initial knowledge. When pressed about this, he stated that it was a surprise party for us and that yet he somehow forgot to invite us.
He has suspended the use of our shared toilet with consistent blockades. He then continues to import cargo without first clearing the blockade, resulting in an outflow of goods. This, in addition to his current embargo on basic hygiene, is intolerable.
In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: passive aggressive quips in our group chat. Terrence, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be a resident on this lease.
We, therefore, the other roommate in this townhouse, in the typed out words of this tagged Facebook post, appealing to people on Terrence’s newsfeed for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good people of this residence, solemnly publish and declare, that this roommate is, and of right ought to be a free and independent roommate, that is absolved from all exposure to Terrence’s foul stench, and that all connection between us and the State of Terrence, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a free and independent roommate, we have full power to enlist a subletter, vend furniture on Craigslist, collect the security deposit, live with our parents until we get back on our feet, and to do all other acts and things which departing roommates may of right do. — And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine parents, we mutually pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our cheese graters.