Dear My Girlfriend’s Book Club,

I am writing you today to apologize for painting myself the color of my girlfriend and I’s apartment walls to act as camouflage so I could infiltrate Book Club.

I am also sorry for not leaving when you all walked in, immediately noticed me, and asked me to leave. That was wrong, and I am sorry. I should not have just stood there completely still, up against the wall covered in white paint, with my eyes darting back and forth throughout the room like one of those novelty cat clocks for the duration of the meeting.

I can certainly understand why you all thought that was a little “scary” and “unsettling.”

But don’t you think it is a little unfair to tell my girlfriend that if I do this just one more time that she will be banned from Book Club? Don’t get me wrong—I will absolutely not do this again. I have learned from my actions and will never do it again.

I repeat, under no circumstances whatsoever, will I do this ever again.

But if I do do it again, I don’t think kicking her out is fair. The punishment just doesn’t fit the crime. If she is kicked out of Book Club because of her actions, then fine, I can live with that. What I can’t live with however is not being able to spy on her and her friends because of my actions. How do you think that would make me feel? That’s right—it would make me feel bad.

Now that you know it would make me feel bad if you were to follow through with kicking her out of Book Club if I do it again (which I don’t think I will) you would actually be bad if you did end up following through with it—for doing something that knowingly hurts me.

Let me try and contextualize this for you. I love contextualizing things for women.

Do you remember how you all said it was “bad” that I kept whispering “we should all kiss,” throughout the night in a high-pitched female voice?

Well, you kicking her out of Book Club would be worse—because I have now specifically told you that it would hurt me. None of you ever, not once, told me that it would hurt you if I painted my body eggshell white as a means of camouflage so that I could observe you discussing The Kite Runner. The second we stop communicating is the second we start misunderstanding.

So, tying this all up in neat little pink bow here:

I will absolutely under no circumstances whatsoever attempt to infiltrate Book Club again, but I might. If you were to kick her out because of this, you would be bad.