The Valentine’s Day mascot is a son of a bitch. In ancient Greece, he was known as Eros; to the Romans, he was better known as Cupid, the gurgling baby-faced sack of ass we are familiar with today. The story behind Cupid has something to do with this mortal broad who was apparently so “super fly” that Cupid couldn't help but drop the whole “punishment from the gods” bit and proceeded to get love drunk off her hump. Or something like that.
Today, greeting card companies churn out eloquent bits of poetry written by Regis Philbin, women OD from rose inhalation, and grown men cry like bitches when they read their bank statements the following month. If you’re married then…yeah, you’re pretty much fucked. If you’re just in a relationship, don't think you’re in any less of a nut-twisting conundrum. If the relationship is new, then watch your ass. There's always that tangible feeling, “Do I really want to spend money on someone whose just going to fall for her stealthy best guy friend after he suddenly ‘reveals’ his love for her at JUST the right freaking moment, causing her to ‘look at the relationship’ and promptly break up with me, forcing me into the emotional fetal position while sitting in my boxers with a 24-pack of Natty Light all to myself while watching Spanglish over and over?” Hey, we've all been there right? It's natural. The point is, Valentine’s Day is dangerous shit.
So allow us to give you a few tips in order to (hopefully) save your sanity. Though if you’re still reading, then we're going to have to assume that the train to nucking futs has long since departed.
1. Your Valentine is a Virgin
Mitch: As she looks into my eyes, I reply back, “Don’t worry, I haven’t had a penis in my vagina either.” She laughs and I am one step closer to having sex with her. Isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is all about? You feed her chocolates and roses until she goes down on you in the parking lot behind Arby’s. Romance at its finest. But be warned, if you somehow weasel your way into a virgin’s pants on Valentine's Day, she WILL fall in love with you. Then you will have the monumental task of re-enacting that one magical night when you made love for the first time—even the part where you treated her to a large, seasoned curly fry.
Jay: This is a tough one. Morally speaking, it’s like playing Russian roulette with six loaded chambers: you’re gonna eat shit. Big time. Plain and simple. However, assuming you’re already on a one-way ticket to hell, how does one go about this? To quote Wedding Crashers, you can get drunk and play a little game we big guys like to call “just the tip, just to see how it feels.” If you do “do the deed” and actually go through with it, then even the possibly perfect girl turns into the not-so-perfect “I love you so much, let's get married” girl. My advice to you is, cut your losses and run the hell away. I hear Iceland is a fucking awesome time. If you stick around, then…well, you’re on your own there champ.
2. Celebrating Valentine's on a Limited Budget
Mitch: You empty your pockets to find three crumpled dollar bills, assorted change totaling 39 cents, two tablets of Rohypnol, and one used condom. You set the $3.39 aside, and put the Rohypnol and used condom in your back pocket to use later in the night. What the fuck can you buy with $3.39? You decide to drive downtown and buy a rose from one of the bums downtown. Okay, $2.39 left. You sprint into Walgreen’s and buy a heart-shaped box with six pieces of chocolate inside. $0.13 left. Fuck it. You take both roofies, eat the rose, smear the chocolate all over you body, jack off with the condom, and pass out. Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day.
Jay: Ahhhh, the old “shit in a box” approach. See, not having money and still managing to have a fucking good time is what college students do best. From living on Ramen Noodles for four years of your life (regardless of the incredible sodium over dosage), to being a lazy cheap-ass and bringing a duffel bag to a buffet, college kids know how to pinch a penny ‘til it cries sexual harassment. So asking someone to scrounge up a little dough to come up with something neat and creative for Valentine's Day isn't really a big problem. All it takes is a little ingenuity, and a freaking redonkulous amount of tape. My favorite homemade gift for the girlfriend is homemade lingerie crafted out of old whitie tighties, scotch-tape, and glued-on bits of paper. Now that's hot. Seriously though, be the fucking MacGyver of love. Homemade sex toys for a certain freak in your life? Bonus points if she actually believes you bought them at a store.
3. Watching The Notebook
Mitch: So you’ve taken her to dinner, given her presents, held her hand, and everything’s gone smoother than a baby’s vagina. But wait, there’s one more obstacle to overcome. You must sit through The Notebook… WITHOUT, a) taking your own life, b) taking a puppy’s life, or c) talking about how much of a stupid cunt Rachel McAdams is. This may be hard for some, but just imagine the glory awaiting you after the movie. For me, it was my girlfriend realizing what a fucking dickhead I am compared to Ryan Gosling. Subsequently, I ended up sleeping on the floor in the fetal position. I then unraveled the used condom out of my back pocket and jacked it.
Jay: Do NOT under any circumstances, allow yourself to be seduced into watching this movie. It is a scientific fact that anything written by Nicholas Sparks causes a sudden penchant for Oprah and your penis to fall off. And I don't buy the fact that you’re watching it just because “Rachel McAdams has nice boobies.” That's bullshit and you know it.
4. Her Best Friend Doesn’t Have a Valentine
Mitch: “What’s that? Your best friend in the whole wide world doesn’t have a Valentine? Two words: plastic surgery. Haha, just kidding. Seriously though, a nose job really couldn’t hurt. What?! She could rent out her nostrils for storage! I bet when she sneezes, people’s skin peels off of their bodies, like the fallout of an atomic bomb or something. Nothing is wrong with me, shut up and eat your chocolates. Also, when you’re done with them, get to work on the dishes and whip me up something to eat. Yeah, we can screw later on after I eat, just don’t bring your friend over.”
Jay: Her best friend. BFF. Buddy and pal. They go to movies together, they sleep in the same room, they have similar interests. They shower and sleep naked together (in my dreams). This girl's power is not easily broken. Her opinion of you is very important, so even if her cock-blocking roomie is a fatty with an addiction to intravenously injected pure cookie dough ice cream, resist the urge to snicker and churn out gratuitous fat jokes. The key? Beat ‘em with kindness. I'm serious; literally beat the everlasting shit out of her with something nice, like a yummy burrito, or a stuffed animal filled with rocks. Though if you REALLY want to get in good with said roomie, all you have to do is make her feel like part of the group. Get a wingman to help you keep her good and occupied in the coming days before Valentine's Day. (Required free drinks if wingman has to wear scuba gear and/or sustains serious injury.)
5. You Don’t Have a Valentine
Mitch: As you can tell from the preceding contents of this article, I am in this situation every single year. I have always been alone on Valentine’s Day, and it really doesn’t bother me that much. Have fun buying cards and flowers and stupid Valentine’s shit suckers! Have fun having someone to hold at night suckers. Have fun having intimate sexual relations with a woman…suckers…. Have fun not spending Valentine's Day alone with a bottle Jack Daniels and waking up the next morning surrounded by a pile of your own crusted vomit and a soiled pair of underwear around your ankles. Suckers. (*Unravels condom out of back pocket*)
Jay: Personally, I wouldn't know what it's like to be dateless, since my penis is 12 inches long (folded in half!). But yeah, sucks for you. I really don't know what people do in these situations. Perhaps eat massive amounts of Hot Pockets and masturbate profusely? Buck up skippy, and turn that frown upside down, because there is someone out there for EVERYONE! Regardless of the massive mole on your eyeball, or your comical under-bite, the law of averages says there's going to be someone somewhere who will do you. The keyword here is BOOZE. Lots, and lots, and lots, and lots, of delicious alcohol to wash away the taste of rising bile and shame. However, I'll go ahead and warn you that your friends have every right in the world to laugh at you, and take pictures of you and the whale. Now, be off and partake in the wondrous activity known to men everywhere as, “Goin' Hoggin.”
With these five threats in mind, we hope you can brave the battlefield of love with relative ease, knowing full well the potential of your enemy. Of course, shit does happen, and you should be prepared to fuck up this Valentine’s Day. Maybe you told her mom she had a fantastic ass, or perhaps you got caught by her dad while you were riding the ponytail handlebars. Even if you just contracted an STD, remember, all hope is not lost. There's always Rachel McAdams' boobies.