Dear Simon & Schuster,
Hope you’re both doing well! I’m writing to offer you exclusive rights to my autobiography (proof of concept below), which details all the amazing things my life will entail. I’ve written it ahead of time because, as you’ll see, I’m going to have a lot on my plate down the road. As of now, I’m not busy at all though, so I can stop by your offices whenever to talk financials.
Chapter 1: I Never Expected Any of This
I didn’t always know I’d end up a successful NFL running back. Nor did I think I had much of a chance to become a Supreme Court chief justice, and I’d have sworn professional billiards was completely off the table, so to speak.
If you’d have asked me at, say, 23 what the rest of my life would entail, I’d have given a wishy-washy, modest answer. And yet here I am, in the year 2097, looking back on the first half of my life that went not a bit according to plan and entirely better than expectations. How did it happen? How did I make this unexpected transformation from amateur writer to entrepreneur-scholar-travel blogger-Harlem Globetrotter? I’d like to offer you some profoundly enlightening words spoken to me by an elderly sherpa during a tea break in a Himalayan backpacking expedition—but I can’t. At least not here in the first paragraph, that is, for this is a multibillion-dollar book deal, and for such a sum I’d consider it a breach of good faith to place a turning point on page one. So, I’ll start now from the very beginning, when I was an amateur writer who never expected any of this.
In early 2019, I had a TV pilot picked up by NBC after a lengthy battle between that network and ABC, HBO, MTV, HPV, USA (network), USA (nation), E!, O!, I!, Sometimes Y!, and Netflix. I still remember the moment the series concept came to me. The day was [DATE THIS HAPPENS]. As I sat idly in front of my word processor, it just clicked. It all clicked. Every jigsaw puzzle piece in the universe fell at once into place. I suddenly understood every method of plot structure, every joke format, every amazing secret my doctor didn’t want me to know. Over the next month, I wrote the entire first season of the series and grew my penis seven inches.
Critics called the pilot “the actual best thing,” but they flattered me. In my view, Infinite Monkeys With Infinite Typewriters, the writing team assembled by theoretical mathematicians back in ’63, has produced far better. In fact, as such a fan of the team, I’m honored that a few of the monkeys volunteered to contribute a guest chapter to this book.
There was a time when I thought getting rave reviews would satiate me, that I would be able to happily put my pen down if I ever won an Emmy. As I learned one Sunday in primetime, I was wrong. I heard my name called and leapt to receive the Outstanding Comedy Emmy. I clasped its cold skin. “Where is it?” I thought. “Where's the warm wave of satisfaction washing over me?” I thought it might be a problem with the Emmy itself, so I had them swap it out for a shinier one.
As it turns out, transcendent validation can come only from within—within an Oscar, that is. For me, that came the next year, when I won with my sequel project, 2 Rata 2 Touille. “Oh, there’s that warm wave,” I thought as soon as I touched the Academy Award™. It was much shinier than the Emmy. I’m almost ashamed to admit, for a few long moments, I was speechless.
With that, I hung up my writing boots and moved onto a series of new journeys. At first, I rode my stardom into new fields, but pretty soon people were saying things like, “wait, he’s actually, like, really good at singing.” This book is the stories of those journeys. While I did live a dramatic life, this is no scandalous tell-all. Yes, Tina Fey and I are now separated. No, I won’t be tearing her down. The fact is, we both still have nothing but affection for one another. Things are simply bound to get turbulent between two people at that level.
Those hoping to live a life like mine, please keep one thing in mind as you read these stories. There were times early on that I felt I’d never succeed. Let that inspire you to go on. I’ll repeat here what I said to that Oscars crowd once I finally found words: Anything you can imagine is possible with lots of hard work, a little luck, and a seven-inch-longer penis.
Chapter 2: Guest Chapter From Select Members Of The “Infinite Monkeys” Writing Team
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Kevin Lawson III
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