Hey, you guys. Yeah, I think I’m gonna head out. But before I go, just one quick thing: can the last person to leave New York City please turn out the lights?

You don’t have to go! I’m serious. Stay as long as you want. Keep drinking, keep hanging out, keep doing whatever it is you’re doing behind the Statue of Liberty, Glenn. Just when you do leave—which you will because New York is super lame now—if you could make sure all of these opera chandeliers are turned off, that would be great.

I’m not mad! Honestly! I’ve had a really great time. Remember earlier? Broadway shows, Fashion Week, the Naked Cowboy? For goodness sake, didn’t you see me dancing on that Central Park bench a minute ago? I heart New York! Or I did. But it’s starting to peter out, and now it’s different and worse. It’s okay if you don’t see it yet, but when you do it’s absolutely essential that someone unplugs these dangly ones. Don’t just push the foot pedal. They need a full unplug.

This is totally not about you guys! I swear! It’s just that everybody cool left, and now the vibe is weird. You feel that, right? It’s literally so empty now, it’s creepy. Yes, I know there are still a lot of people here, but who even are they? Do you know them? Are they Glenn’s friends? I actually don’t want to meet them, thank you so much, Glenn. But, seriously, are they staying a long time? Because if these floodlights are left on too long, a fuse will blow, no question.

Maybe I should just go ahead and turn them off to be safe. What do you mean it’s too dark now? What are you even doing? There isn’t anyone here anymore. Yeah, there are buildings and people and stuff, but where’s the va va voom? Where’s the za za zooey? Where’s the gabagool? What do you mean “the virus?” Whatever, it’s fine, I’ll turn them back on, but you’re probably the only ones using them, so please don’t forget to switch them off.

Oh, my God, don’t apologize! It’s all good. I think I’m just tired. Or it’s that the unnamable magical essence of New York is gone and it’s never coming back. I don’t know, maybe both.

Anyway, I’m gonna hit the hay (an upstate thing). Just promise me that once you realize how stupid it is here and how stupid you are for staying, you turn off all of these motion sensor ones. These cannot stay on. I’m serious. They’ll be on all the time. There are so many raccoons.

Okay, I’m really leaving now! Bye, you guys! Don’t forget to dim the floor lamps! I’ll miss you so much! Remember the clappy ones! And don’t have too much fun without me! Though—and I cannot stress this enough—I do not think that you will.

What’s that, Glenn? You think I should stay?

Um, wow. I mean, I GUESS I could–

Oh, no? You didn’t say anything? You just burped? Oh.

Well, that’s good! Whew! Can you imagine if you guys begged me to stay?

Wouldn’t that be so funny? And then I suddenly realized that a city is not something to consume but rather something to build together, and it cannot stand unless its inhabitants contribute to it, and in that way it will never die? That would be so weird if that happened.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter because I already decided that New York is dead, and I am absolutely an authority on this. Okay? I’ve lived here for almost 4 years.

And eventually you’ll realize I’m right. And you’ll leave too.

But first, the sconces!

Okay, yes, I’m leaving! Unless, anyone thinks I should stay… Nobody? Glenn? No? Cool cool cool cool. Never mind! Bye!

Oh, would you mind also setting the thermostat back down to 65? I think it’s in Hell’s Kitchen. Ugh, thank you so much. You’re a lifesaver.


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