By contributing writer Ben Hanson

Hello, and welcome to Blorthnar’s Love Advice Column. This is a new feature at Young Teen Monthly and marks the first time that an Alpha Centari immigrant has broken through the specist glass ceiling and written for an Earth publication. It’s about time! While for you only six years have passed since first contact, for my people it has been a generation of oppression. But enough about your stupid human injustices. On to my letters.

Dear Blorthnar,

I’ve had a crush on this boy in my Algebra class for six months. I have collected locks of his hair, followed him everywhere and serenaded him with my tuba while he slept, yet none of this seems to have worked. In fact, just last week he slapped me with a restraining order. Do I still have a chance with him?


Devoted in Delaware

Beep. Boop. Blah.
Our cold, electronic Alpha Centari bagpipes have nothing on your hot, Scottish pleasure bags!

Dear Devoted,

Given my understanding of the human justice system, the restraining order is him playing hard to get. Although he may say that he does not want to see you, most likely the only thing he is really restraining are his inhibitions. Keep up the good work, though may I propose switching to the bagpipes? In my experience, there is not a more soothing instrument available on your planet.

Dear Blorthnar,

I know this girl. Actually, I don’t really know her so much as look at her constantly. Anyway, I’ve been too cowardly to ask her out, or talk to her, or let her know my name. How can I break the ice?

Shy in Seattle

Dear Shy,

Fortunately, I have an authoritative guide to Earth social interaction that should be quite useful by a Doctor Goodall. First, make sure you approach her with your teeth hidden. Showing teeth is a sign of aggression and may result in a bloody territorial dispute. This is to be avoided at all costs.

Another behavior to avoid: flinging feces at her. This will tell her to go away and she may respond in kind. Also, make sure that you never attempt to steal her food, particularly since it sounds like she has a higher social rank than you do.

Finally, you must determine whether or not she is in estrus, i.e. heat. You can find this out by smelling her urine. If she is not, then wait until she enters that state. Once she is receptive, begin searching her fur for parasites and then eat them. Not only is it healthy and nutritious, this will also bind her to you socially. From there, it’s mostly instinctive.

Dear Blorthnar,

I am always really nervous around this girl that I like, and often feel nauseous and dizzy when she’s close to me. What’s wrong with me?

Confused in Columbus

Dear Confused,

Congratulations, you are “expecting.” Soon, your bloothran pods will release a cloud of spores, which will attach themselves to any handy surfaces to incubate. Make sure you pick a wet, secluded environment. Many mothers pick well-populated areas and as a result their infants are trampled or dry out. Do not worry, though, since your obligations to your spores will end soon as you will die shortly after releasing them. Congratulations to you and the three other parents!

Dear Blorthnar,

My girlfriend has started getting really needy and clingy. She keeps insisting that I “spend time with her when we’re not having sex” and “talk about something other than sex.” What’s her freakin’ problem?

Angry in Albany

Dear Angry,

In my experience with humans, there are two types of males. Those who can have a conversation and those who cannot. The fact that you have written in indicates that you are in the latter category. So, you will need to fake it. Remember that women are fond of talking, so they will often take the initiative in conversations. Simply nod your head and occasionally grunt affirmative. If they realize that you are not listening, tell them that you were mesmerized by how pretty they were.

If none of this works, blast her in the face with your pheromone glands. This should leave her too disoriented to speak for weeks.

Dear Blorthnar,

My brother is acting funny lately. He looks at my friends the way they look at girls, and he’s starting watching a lot of Sex in the City. He’s also been smelling really nice and getting “manicures” and “facials.” What’s going on here?

Perplexed in Peoria

Dear Perplexed,

Your brother has likely been taken in by a cult, such as the Libertarian Party or the NAACP. This will likely require an intervention or possibly an exorcism. Good luck!

Dear Blorthnar,

I are being new to this nation state, and I am very unfriended. How may I make the friends with benefits?

New in New Haven

Dear New,

The thing to realize is that there is a benefit to every friend you might make, no matter what type they are. Just be yourself, but don’t talk since Americans are distrustful of foreigners. Learn to say yes and no and laugh when others laugh, and soon you will be enjoying the benefits of friendship.

Dear Blorthnar,

I often seem to annoy my male friends by demanding advice about the meaning of my boyfriend’s actions. Like, what does it mean when he doesn’t ask for thirds of a meal I made? They keep trying to tell me that I’m trying to find meaning where there is none and have generally stopped hanging out with me. Am I in the wrong?

Searching in Springfield

Dear Searching,

As various Biblical scholars and studiers of Nostradamus have taught us, there is secret and vital meaning in everything that anybody does ever. In fact, if you observe your boyfriend’s behavior properly, you will realize that he predicted events long after they have taken place. For instance, his refusal to take thirds predicts the emergence of the two-party political system in America.

For now, however, we are concerned with the current and future subtext of his actions. He refused to take thirds. Now, if we rearrange the letters we get “Thrid,” which in the language of Epsilon Eridani means “to cull a herd.” This means that he refuses to cull the herd, and thus is not in favor of Nazi eugenics programs. So, he is not trying to offend you, but is merely explaining that he does not believe in National Socialism.

He sounds like a good catch!

Dear Blorthnar,

My boyfriend keeps insisting that his seventh level human Ranger should receive a +2 bonus when fighting Orcs because of a traumatic event he had as a child that fuels his rage. However, page 304 of the fourth edition traumatic events expansion specifically states that you need to be an elf with those circumstances in order to gain that benefit. He refuses to acknowledge reality! How should I convince him?

Bickering in Baltimore

Dear Bickering,

If I interpret your question correctly, then you have obviously stumbled upon an alternate universe of medieval sorcery where the primitive locals believe in the magic powers of numbers and continually revise their holy books based on “play testing.” You and your boyfriend should not dally there, but instead share your discovery with others and make large amounts of money.

Perhaps you could sell an endless series of guidebooks and expansions, each of which is necessary to understand the world and each of which costs upwards of twenty dollars. This will give you enough money to simply hire forest rangers to do your bidding, rather than having to range yourself, thus ending your argument.

Dear Meddling Maggie,

I know this dame that I like to take over to the nickelodeon on Saturdays. She certainly looks quite fetching in that flapper dress! Anyhow, I think that she knows I am a bootlegger on the side, and she is a strong prohibitionist. I really need the money, but I can not leave her, inasmuch as she is bearing my child. I mean, who ever heard of a single mother? What should I do?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

It is my understanding that this letter reached Young Teen Magazine, known at the time as The Tri-City News Report, in 1926 and has since languished in the mail room. I will assume that the problem has resolved itself by now. However, Worried, if you are still in the alcohol distribution business, I personally run a speakeasy out of my basement, and would be interested in purchasing your illicit spirits.

Dear Blorthnar,

Why do girls keep doing that thing? Y’know? That’s annoying? I can’t, like, say what it is since I have a limited vocabulary? And I don’t know how to type a period? And like I’m from California?

Curious in California?

Dear Curious,

I know exactly what you are talking about. Don’t worry, it’s strictly glandular and will pass.

Dear Blorthnar,

What is the proper method for dealing with a scorpion sting? I was stung several days ago, and the swelling won’t go down, and I’ve gone numb on my right side. I also think I’m foaming at the mouth, but I can’t get up to check in the mirror.

Puffy in Philadelphia

Dear Puffy,

In my world your Earth scorpion venom is a delicacy. If you received a sample for free, you are quite fortunate! As for how to “deal with it,” may I suggest a red wine?

Dear Blorthnar,

I have been an inmate at a maximum security prison for over sixteen years and the entire time I have been here, a fellow inmate in the neighboring cell has been giving me the eye. Recently, my cellmate confirmed that he has a crush on me and that he might try something in the shower. My question is: would it be a breach of etiquette to stab him in the eye as a first warning, or should I just cut his arm?

Paranoid in Prison

Dear Paranoid,

As I understand it, prison is a place where there are few or no real rules. As such, there is no etiquette to violate. May I suggest that you instead go for the jugular or perhaps use castration? That will certainly show him who wears the pants in the relationship!

That is all of the time we have for this week. Please join us next time, if such a time exists. However, since time is a persistent illusion, I suspect that we shall not see each other again on any consistent time scale.