May 26: Wife got me a birdwatching journal for our anniversary. Said I needed to take up a new hobby and get out of the house more. So sweet of her to think of me. Hope she liked the diamond earrings and matching necklace I got her.

June 9: Really getting into this birdwatching thing! Already spotted a few cardinals, two blue jays, a starling, and an oriole. Can't wait to tell wife when she gets back from her business trip in the city. Neighbor Rick also said he had a work trip in the city. Must be some sort of conference. Not sure what kind of conference would involve a work-from-home jewelry maker and a firefighter, but whatever.

July 16: First hummingbird sighting! Ran inside to tell wife, but she was busy working on the computer and screamed at me to get out. Didn't get a good look since she slammed the laptop shut, but could have sworn I saw photo of shirtless Rick on screen? Probably just imagining things in post-hummingbird haze.

August 2: Bought a pair of high-range binoculars online. These things are awesome! Seen all kinds of stuff with them: hawks, eagles, American kestrels, the silhouette of a woman who looked strikingly like my wife in my neighbor Rick's bedroom window.

August 22: Realized that I've been missing out on a whole world of birds: nocturnal. Bought some infrared night vision goggles and have been sitting out back late at night looking for owls. No luck yet! But did see my wife sneak out the back door and tiptoe over to neighbor's house. Think I know what's going on. They're planning a surprise birthday party for me! They're the best!

September 3: Birthday came and went. No surprise party. Strange. Still, wife got me great present: three tickets to bird sanctuary in Florida. Third ticket was for Rick (wife couldn't make it since they're going through nasty split). I was glad she had someone to keep her company at the pool and in the hotel room while I checked out some incredible sea-fowl! Great trip!

September 8: Wife's been acting weird since we got back from Florida. It's like she can't stand being in the same room as me. Plus, Rick cancelled our weekly card game without explanation. On bright side, managed to snap a picture of rare red-cockaded woodpecker and sent it into newspaper. They're going to run it in the “About Town “section! I'm famous!

September 29: Heard from one of new birdwatching buddies that there was a northern pintail duck in the park. Unfortunately, it was gone before I got there. Also, wife was gone before I got home. Moved all of her stuff into Rick's. Went over to talk to her, but Rick stood in doorway and wouldn't let me in. Got into shoving match and ended up on lawn with him on top of me. Promised to calm down if he let me up, but then I tried to run into house and got tackled from behind and put in UFC-style headlock.

September 30: Woke up in hospital with thumping headache and voicemail from wife saying she was leaving me for Rick. Said it was because I'm “too boring” and spend all my time staring at birds. Which is bullshit, since she bought me the journal in the first place and told me I needed a hobby. Couldn't see much from hospital window. Maybe seagull flew by. Could have been plastic bag.

October 29: Met with divorce attorney downtown. Managed to do a bit of birdwatching from waiting room. Saw pigeon pecking away at moldy piece of pizza. Not birds, but saw two rats screwing in alley where I went to cry after signing papers.

November 15: Haven't done much birdwatching lately. Too sad. Birdfeeder full of bird shit. Ex-wife and Rick going strong. Used to spy on them at night with infrared goggles until cops came and threatened restraining order.

November 20: Robin flew into windshield on drive home from work. Thought to self, “Wish I were robin.”

November 29: Saw yellow-breasted chat this morning!! Beautiful! Things looking up?


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