“I will say one thing I’d be interested in doing: Some kind of skate-off with Beto because I also skated.
If Beto is open to it, I’m open to it.”

— Andrew Yang to Jezebel, April 22, 2019

I’m no stranger to being called on to prove myself to the American people. Our nation is the most divided its been in recent history, and our citizens have some important decisions to make. I believe that my fellow Primary candidates and I need to remain transparent and on message to help them with those decisions. With this in mind, I have considered Andrew Yang’s interest in doing “Some kind of skate-off,” and would like to offer my official response:

Fucking bring it, bro.

Props where it’s due, Andy, a skate comp is a gnarly idea. It’s a rad way for me to show the kind of steez I’ll be taking to the White House. And it’ll give us both the chance to connect to the youth voters without having to do something really out there, like promise student loan forgiveness. So I made some calls and Red Bull has agreed to sponsor this.

So buckle-up ‘cause we’re going buckwild, Beto-style.

Listen, Drew-man, I’m gonna warn you now, I’ve been thrashing on my board since I was a little kid in littler El Paso. Skating’s in my blood, and my blood is smeared into ramps and rails up and down the great state of Texas. Not a lot of people know this, but the “O” in “O’Rourke” stands for “Ollie”. Also, the “o” in “Beto” stands for “Ollie”. My tricks are so clean, they release zero carbon emissions. But they’re also mad slick, just like the fine products of America’s oil companies. Boom! Now every time my stance on renewable energy comes under scrutiny, voters will just think about all of the sick flips I can do.

My skate energy is real, it’s raw, and it’s very angsty. Everyone knows this because I was in a punk band and performed in gender non-conforming clothing at least once. I can back-up my skater status, but I doubt you can say the same. You think showing up on a Joe Rogan podcast and doing a few AMAs qualifies you to be the “cool guy” candidate of the season? Wow, how hip and non-traditional. What are you gonna do next, wear Vans to a fundraiser? Actually, don’t do that, I’m calling dibs, homie.

You call yourself an ex-goth because you had long hair in high school and listened to Depeche Mode. That’s almost as much of a stretch as running an entire campaign centered around Universal Basic Income. Oh wait! You seriously think voters are gonna get behind the idea of using tax dollars to give everyone enough money to eat? Someone needs to snap you out of that Yangster’s Paradise, and that someone is gonna be me. I’ll be out here automating 900s while you’re still barely holding a manual. I’m ready to show America the political punk powerhouse that I am, and expose you as a poser in the process.

So yeah, let’s give the people what they want: two 40-something-year-old men, reliving their teen years to prove that they’re the most relatable Presidential Candidate. We’ll get a ton of beer, some food trucks, and fuck it, we’ll make Tony Hawk sing the national anthem. It’s gonna be a blowout so big, the media will be all like, “Elizabeth who?”

You might wanna bail now though, boomerYang, cause once I crush you on the pipes, you won’t be coming back. At the 2019 Democratic Presidential Primary Skate-Off brought to you by Red Bull: Voting Gives You Wings, there’s no such thing as second place.

See you on the half-pipe, bitch.

BetOllie Ollie’Rourke