Now hear this, Warden Fuller speaking. First of all, I want to say that all cell blocks have returned to my control and all remaining rioters have been secured. The final count is 15 guards injured, three critically, with 30 and 10 on the inmate side. Thank you to those who remained facedown in their cells as directed. And now the news you’re not going to want to hear, as a result of the riot I have no choice but to take away your double-necked guitars.

Silence! Silence! We will deploy teargas again if forced. Yes, no more double-necked guitars. But I think you know why that is. For one thing, even though you all promised that you would never weaponize your double-necked guitars, you weaponized your double-necked guitars.

Easily half of the riot’s casualties came from guards being struck by double-necked guitars or from inmates striking guards with double-necked guitars (apparently the frets shatter and pepper the palms with tiny shrapnel).

And let us not forget the original cause of the riot: a double-necked guitar-off. I had personal conversations with trustees from all the cellblocks, who assured me that in spite of all previous double-necked guitar competition ending in ugly fashion, this double-necked guitar competition would be different.

You assured me that indeed it would relieve much of the Van Halen/Guns N Roses tension in cell blocks A and B. But that has only been exacerbated since I acceded to inmate council requests that the prison store inventory be expanded from just single-necked guitars to also include double-necked ones (The former will NOT be taken away at this time because, after all, I am not a monster. I am a “cool” warden). This is beginning to feel like the keytar incident all over again.

And I’m afraid that is not the end of new restrictions. I will now under no circumstances consider the unbanning of acoustic guitars. And amp hours will be sharply reduced, from twelve hours a day to just two. Inmates may regain hours lost due to use of the amps to deafen guards during the riot one hour every six months by exhibiting exemplary behavior.

Additionally, the prison barber will no longer be permitted to give inmates hair extensions or blond dye-jobs, and brightly-colored slats shades are now considered contraband. These were not used in any way during the riot, but I am taking them anyway just because inmates who blind guards maybe don’t deserve nice things like that.

Lastly—and here’s a kindness I tried to do you inmates that I didn’t think there was any chance would boomerang on me—groupies will no longer be permitted unlimited access to all cell blocks. Now look, now look, you promised me that the groupies would only be for dating, for sex, and for inspiring your best songs. But what did the groupies do? The groupies burned down the shop building as a distraction so you could try to raid the locked glitter cabinet. So no more groupies.

Now then, with that unpleasantness behind us, I hope we can start working towards rebuilding the peaceful and happy atmosphere I hoped to instill by making Wentworth Penitentiary a “Rockin’ State Prison” seven years ago. Because it's been nice since the prison gangs became prison rock bands and therefore weren't violent gangs anymore, right?

Your guitar instructors are waiting in the rec room to teach you how to spice up old favorites with whammy bars and talk boxes, and as always bottles of Jack are on hand.

Oh, and obviously, 90 days (plus denial of week-long furlough to attend Rolling Stones Fantasy Camp this year) in the hole for any inmate caught smuggling a double-necked guitar into the prison via the body cavity of a visitor.