We see you, ladies. We see you in your loungewear, in your leggings and tees, in your comfy PJ sets that have somehow become daywear.

And what we really want to know is: Are you ready to ascend to Housecoat Level?

A warning: Housecoat Level is not for everyone.

It is not for the young-ish woman (or old-ish millennial) bemoaning a newly softened jawline or a waist expanded by quarantine torpor.

It is not for those of you who are just now noticing your first grey hairs.

It is not for those of you who have somehow managed to up your exercise game through all of this and have somehow discovered definition in your arms you didn’t know was even possible. In fact, none of this is for you. What are you doing here? Fuck all the way off.

We acknowledge your first step but must tell you that the path before you is long, longer than you think. We wish you well, and await your eventual arrival to Housecoat Readiness.

Housecoats are not bought—they’re earned. It is important that we make clear we are not talking here about caftans nor muumuus. Both of those garments are worthy and have their place in this world, but Housecoats, they are not. We speak here of the dowdy. The cotton-poly blend. The bland pastel floral with faux-pearl snaps. Armor worn by everyone from Nanas to Meemaws to Bubbes. Once you button up that uniform, there’s no going back.

What are you giving up, when you ascend to Housecoat Level? What skin are you shedding as you slip into roomy, breezy comfort with pockets?

You shed so many things to which you have clung, not realizing how they’ve held you back. You divest yourself of vanity. You free yourself of the tyranny of choices. As you step into the Housecoat, your very last fuck will clatter to the floor.

But you have to be ready. Saying goodbye to your youth hurts. Your sexual viability will make a horrible gurgle as it slithers down the drain. Even those last fucks will plead for their lives. You’ll be invisible, they’ll plead. Silly things—did no one tell the invisibility was a superpower?

If you make it through these trials, you will enter into a new realm of freedom, self-realization, and cheerful comfort. You will have to die to your old self, but your new self will be a thing of power and if not beauty, at least floral-ness.

If you have sat down with yourself and done the hard work of discernment, and know in your heart you are ready, join us. Use the code NOFUCKSLEFT for 20% off at checkout. New customers will also receive a complimentary Jitterbug phone.