These are actual episodes of the hit television show Frontline, but we made up the plots to make them more watchable in modern times.

“The Secret File” (originally aired in 1987)

Two men charged with guarding a secret file within a federal building in Idaho are gruesomely killed. But the men who killed the guards cannot find the secret file, because it is so secret. In fact, no one even knows what's in the secret file, or if it is worth killing for, let alone worth reading. In the end, the two guys who killed the guards get away in a jet boat.

“Bread, Butter, and Politics” (1984)

Nothing about politics, but plenty of sex and nudity and shots of delicious fresh-baked bread and butter and even toast.

“The Old Man and the Gun” (1984)

An old man stands in front of a crowd and dares anyone to try to take his gun away from him—that man is Charlton Heston. Another old man with his own gun walks up through the crowd and challenges him in front of everyone—that man is Clint Eastwood. The two taunt each other over and over with their famous movie catchphrases.

“What about Mom and Dad?” (1985)

A young man who grew up in the Pacific Northwest explores the streets of New York City, where lots of people are raised by human parents. He recalls being raised from childhood by a bear and a jellyfish, which is normal in the Pacific Northwest. Camera crews try to track down his bear father but of course, he’s a scumbag, off somewhere chasing salmon.

“Your Loan is Denied” (1992)

A two-hour special focusing on people's emotional reactions to having their loans denied. These include business loans, home loans, auto loans, and people asking their neighbors if they might loan them their lawnmower. The answer is always simply: “Your loan is denied.” Sometimes there is violence.

“Will There Always Be an England?” (1986)

Frontline producers sit down for a round-table discussion with ancient and modern European scholars and philosophers to discuss whether or not there will always be an England. They conclude that no, there won’t always be an England, but that there will, sadly, always be an Ohio.

“Plunder!” (1990)

Everything you've ever wanted to see plundered is plundered big time on this episode. Priceless heirlooms, Tiffany jewelry, land plots… all of it is plundered and we get to watch.

“Our Forgotten War” (1988)

Frontline looks back at the Great Ice War of 1922 between the United States of America and the nomadic ice people of Ice Island off of the coast of Iceland. Recently unclassified documents reveal how the Americans won the war after they melted Ice Island and how the war itself is often overlooked in the shadow of World War I. Rare footage of soldier interviews from the 1950s reveals the horrors of the ice people’s ice torture within their ice prison camps.

“Who’s Running this War?” (1986)

Who’s actually running this war? Frontline wants to know… they really, really want to know. Is there anyone with their finger on the button? And if there is, whose finger is it? And how big is the button? What does the button do? Frontline insists they’ll tell no one, but can Frontline really be trusted? In the end, we can only ask: “Who’s really running Frontline?”