Dear minimum wage Amazon employee,

I recently purchased the NICREW Aquarium Internal Filter for my shark tank and to my surprise, when it arrived, the air regulator didn’t work. Now, I don’t know what kind of game you’re trying to play with me, but, let me tell you that I am not impressed. In fact, as I sit here in my tall-backed leather chair with skulls fastened at the ends of the armrests writing you this email, I can feel myself growing more and more displeased by the lack of workmanship this product received.

And, as if the broken air regulator wasn’t enough to deal with, now I find out that I can’t even return it because I threw away the original packing slip. I mean Jesus, what do you people want from me? To jump in my bald-eagle-shaped submarine and hand-deliver it to one of your warehouses? Or hell, maybe I’ll just start my own aerospace company and meet Jeff Bezos in space and return it to him personally.

At any rate, I would really like to know, little Amazon person, how you expect my sharks to breathe and not suffocate to death from ammonium nitrate buildup? Ocean Creation closed half an hour ago and, if I ordered a new filter from you guys, which I most certainly will not do, but even if I did, it would take four business days to get here. And don’t you dare tell me to sign up for Amazon Prime to get a quicker delivery date. Spending $7.99 a month is NOT how I was able to afford 50 acres of land on the moon in order to build a giant laser capable of vaporizing the entire earth in a matter of mere seconds (I’m also thinking about putting a recreational center up there to fill in some of the leftover space).

So, I don’t think that it’s unreasonable to expect some sort of compensation because I cannot express how inconvenient this whole situation has been for me. My sharks, well better yet, my threats of feeding people to my sharks, is the only leverage I have in the taking-over-the-world business. So, if they die then, well quite frankly, I’m hooped.

And if I do not receive said compensation then you and your stupid company can kiss any more business from me goodbye. And trust me, I have a lot to give. I WAS going to buy a pencil tire pressure gauge from you guys for my 36 McLarens but now I think I’ll just go to Princess Auto.

Oh, and that volcano I own in Hawaii? Yeah, I do need stain remover for the seats in the helicopter that I fly over it with, so, I guess it looks like I’ll be going to Target for that. Oh yes, that’s right, AND the front desk in my 6,000 foot “construction” company building in downtown LA ran out of pens so it looks like I’m going to have to do a Staples run. Do not test me. You have no idea how far my power reaches.

I sincerely hope that you people make this situation right. It’s quite disgusting how large corporations like Amazon take advantage of everyday people like myself, so do the right thing. Otherwise, I will feed you to my sha– Actually, no, I will not do that because THEY WILL PROBABLY BE DEAD.


Dr. Cornelius Evil Genius B. Copperstone