Hey guys. I know what you guys saw in the last budget meeting, and I just wanted to come on here and clarify a few things. You guys are probably not gonna believe me, but just know that if you don’t, then you’re wrong.

So apparently a few of you have been commenting on my background display during our last Zoom meeting. I seem to have sat at a desk that was positioned in front of a “shit ton of Nerf guns.” Actually, 33 to be exact. But that’s not the point. I was informed of this when one of my colleges texted me to ask if I’m a “fellow blaster” and “would I like to have a red versus blue match sometime.” No, I would not. To protect your identity, I will not be naming who said that, just so you don’t have to face great, great shame.

Kevin, if you’re reading this, I kindly declined your offer. Text me whenever you’re free, for no particular reason at all.

Now, I just wanted to clarify: those are not my Nerf guns. Yes, they are in my house, and yes, technically I own them. But they do not belong to me, they are not my property. They are not mine. In fact, they’re my nephew’s, for when he comes over to my house and plays. Think of me as a dealer. I hold on to them for, you know, safety and various practical purposes, and I lend them to him in exchange for some quality fun time.

Now I know you guys are thinking: wait, Jeff has a nephew? Technically—and I don’t know why everyone thinks they’re a detective all of sudden, I mean, put down that magnifying glass of yours and focus on the meeting amiright?—I do not. If you looked through my family tree, you would theoretically find no nephew. However, I do have a next-door neighbor whose kid is around 8 or 9 and he could be my nephew. He just loves those guns, especially the Nerf N-Strike Vulcan EBF-25. I can’t stress how much we both love—for me, just intellectually curious in—the Nerf Blaster Elite 2.0. Coincidentally, he’s also a big fan of the Nerf-Stike Mega Accustrike (which is that magnificent white and blue one that hangs behind my head).

I, personally, don’t care for these silly little toys myself. I’m much too mature to be fooling around with plastic guns with all new features including the dual-mode light beam, flip-up sight, and main blaster. No, that would be ridiculous. I have no idea how these things work honestly: Do you use streamlined darts on Clip System blasters or are Elite Darts the more compatible choice? How would I know that? You should be asking Dylan, that next-door neighbor kid of mine. Yeah, why don’t you go ask him, cause’ these are his guns, remember? He would probably say the Elite Darts. Ah kids and their inability to keep their mouths shut. Guess he’s starting to contaminate me with all that stupid Nerf knowledge of his.

And while we’re on the topic, can’t a man just appreciate Nerf guns for their aesthetic appeal? I mean they’re not really toys, if you think about it. They are intricately designed plastic collectibles with specialized themes and a revolutionary internal mechanism that support high firing rates and long firing distances up to 75 feet. I don’t know a whole lot about these dumb things, but they sure make my wall look stylish as heck. Nobody in the meeting could deny that.

Just so everyone believes me, I’m going to be taking them down for the next meeting. So all of you can stop pointing at me now. “Ha ha, look at Jeff and his immature, stupid, worthless (actually they’re worth a lot more than you’d think), foolish, useless (you’d be surprised how well they work in self-defense), garbage, immature toys.” They are not mine, okay?

And Kevin, give me a call please would you, it’s an emergency.