May 20 — Looking for someone to spruce up my job resume and LinkedIn for future job prospects to know I have experience outsourcing work.

May 23 — Need someone to quiz me on interview questions. Feel free to ask anything because I’m also going to put out a Fiverr request out for a therapist.

May 23 — I’m looking for licensed therapist. Must have at least a Master’s Degree but my budget is $15/hour so maybe one with a malpractice record or one who just stabs their patients afterwards.

May 26 — I am overwhelmed with these reports I have to finish for my first big meeting at my new job, so I need someone smart to finish them, but not smart enough that my boss knows it’s not from me, but smart enough that if they were to find out, they’d be proud of me for outsourcing production, but not proud enough to fire me and hire you instead. If you comprehended all of that, you’re probably out of my price range.

June 3 — Starting to really love Fiverr! I need someone who can help “wingman” me for Jenna from Accounting. Likes include listening to music, yoga, and emotional support. Unfortunately, Jenna’s likes remain a mystery.

June 5 — Need first date pep talk. I know it sounds silly, but I still think she’s out of my league, and my boss who can kick me out of Accounting in the blink of an eye. Pep talk must include pointers on figuring what kind of food she’s in the mood for and seeing which Arby’s offers that food, what to wear to the date under the scuba suit I’m definitely wearing, and if looking in her eyes and saying “I hate you with every fiber of my being” is playing a little too hard to get. Separately, I am also looking for a lawyer who can help move my divorce along.

September 15 — I need someone to plan the ultimate proposal for my girlfriend Jenna (that still feels weird to say, mostly because I outsourced all our dates to Upwork freelancers). From the dates, I gathered we really connect physically, and we bond over our shared disdain for people who do yoga, and both being deaf. You have full creative license on what to do for the proposal itself, so long as it has the traditional ending of you getting down on one knee with a photo of me taped on your face. I’ll pay extra if she “ugly cries,” because I’ll need blackmail if the marriage goes south.

October 21 — Looking for a hitman. My fiancé chose to elope with some freelancer who was supposed to propose on my behalf. I have no information on the blind-sider beyond his Fiverr username, “xxStealYoGirlxx.” I’ll pay well; just get the job done. Also, if by any chance you moonlight as a therapist, I’m still looking for one of those.

October 22 — Need a bodyguard. So it seems a lot of people on this platform like “xxStealYoGirlxx”, and now a lot of users are either coming to kill me, or offering consulting services to those coming to kill me. Please help! I’ll pay well, but unfortunately not as well as the hitman is getting paid. I don’t have as much money since Jenna fired me for sending someone to quit my job on my behalf (I mean I had to; the hours were too rough on my freelancers).

October 23 — Hello, this is Michael’s therapist. The patient has since been apprehended and returned safely to his padded cell. To prevent further issues, we have also proceeded to fully fasten the straight jacket this time, leave the door to the cell shut, and not provide the Wi-Fi password upon request. This account will be terminated shortly, but while I’m here, I’m looking for someone who can write a love poem. I’m really trying to impress this nurse Jenna.

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