September 24th, 2021
The Goldstein Collective
ATTN: The Management
RE: The New Hire
To Humans It May Concern:
My name is Ozzy Good Boy Goldberg and I’ve been a part of this organization for the past 63 years. I am writing to bring to your attention the untenable work environment caused by the new hire recently brought into our company. This new hire, a human-in-training or “cute smushy baby” (as I’ve heard him be called), has been rude, selfish, and has made zero meaningful contributions to the company during his time on our premises.
During the new hire’s onboarding, I have done my best to uphold the core values of our organization. When the new hire has engaged in activities that have caused unnecessary noise pollution (specifically: loud screaming during off-hours, dramatic wailing during peak hours, and spontaneous fussing during meal breaks), I have chosen to stay uninvolved as I could tell this behavior was already stressful for you, the Management.
When furniture was moved around in a less-than-coordinated floor plan redesign to accommodate new equipment related to this hiring, I did not protest the removal of my favorite chair in the hope that my flexible and adaptable attitude would be looked upon favorably. And, when the positive reinforcement I was accustomed to receiving on a half-hourly basis started being allocated to the new hire, I did not take it personally or do pee pee on the rug, assuming this was merely part of the new hire’s ramp-up period.
However, every being has its own set of professional standards and I have reached the bottom of mine. It has recently been communicated to me through an informal feedback session that, due to the new hire’s ultra-specific daily agenda, I am no longer permitted to lose my goddamn mind any time the buzzer buzzes. Despite the fact that I have repeatedly received positive feedback (in the form of verbal commentary and snack bonuses) about the usage of my loud voice as a means to announce guests and package deliveries in the past, this week I have been told “shhhh,” “hush,” and “MAX IS NAPPING!” any time I performed this task.
Alas, losing my goddamn mind any time the buzzer buzzes is an integral part of my life’s work, and it is not a duty I am content to relinquish without further touch bases and sufficient context.
As such, I hereby officially request the reinstatement of this sacred responsibility. Losing my goddamn mind any time the buzzer buzzes is a business-critical task, essential to the running of this organization. If it wasn’t, would I have been named “the goodest, goodest guard dog in all of New York City, the World, and The Universe” by you, The Management, week over week? Likely not!
Furthermore, with the addition of our new hire, who seems to be a very valuable team member held by the Management in high esteem, I would expect it’d be even more important that this company be protected from those who might wish to hurt our profitability (specifically: The UPS Deliveryperson, The FedEx Deliveryperson, the Amazon Deliveryperson, the DHL Deliveryperson, the Independent Courier Deliveryperson, and of course, the Evil Mail Man).
Should this request not be granted I will be forced to resort to behavior from which I had previously refrained. I will do pee pee on the rug.
I look forward to a swift reply. The fastest way to reach me is at the email address below or by turning to your left. I’ll be on my puff.
(The) Best (Boy),
Ozzy Good Boy Goldberg
Ozzy Good Boy Goldberg
Check Out My Latest LinkedIn Blog Post: Level Up: Lose Your Goddamn Mind Any Time the Buzzer Buzzes like No One’s Watching
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