Ah! You startled me! What are you, a witch coming out of the mist to enchant me with your piercing stares and stony silences? Well, whoever you are, welcome to the dimly lit hallways of my dating profile, whatever good that will do you.
I’m only here because everyone says that I must marry, for I am rich, alive, and definitely not already married. Nope, totally single. There’s no secret wife whatsoever! What’s that? Oh, don’t mind that shrieking sound coming from the North Tower. It’s only the wind!
Gender: I am the master of this house!
Religion: Don’t get me started.
Children: No! Ok, I do have one ward. Just the one! She’s not my actual child, it’s just… It’s complicated. Oh! How you would draw the truth from me like the witch you are!
People describe me as…
Let’s face it, nobody can really know a man as enigmatic as myself. Just try to read the truth behind my wild, searching eyes! I dare you to sniff out the secrets hidden in my tangled mane! Search all you like for a diary, but I only shout my secrets into the wind!
My best dad joke is…
I told you, that ward is not my child!
One of my red flags is…
What? Have you seen a red flag around recently? I beg you, if you do see someone waving a red flag from the North Tower, avert your gaze at once! It’s just my housekeeper ribbon dancing! She’s a real goofball, that Mrs. Wench! It’s not like I’m keeping anyone locked up in there! Ha ha ha, no indeed…
I would describe my place as…
Oh, this old hovel? This spread of 40 acres, twenty-five bedrooms, and man cave complete with a PacMan arcade game may look impressive, but it’s nothing more than a prison. A prison, I tell you! Not that I’ve actually imprisoned anyone here, of course! Who told you otherwise?!
As it is, I can only bear to be here for a few months out of the year. It’s filled with malice, bad memories, and worst of all, that child I hate.
A date with me would be like…
First, we will take a stroll through the gardens so I can tell you all about my business, my life, and all the people who annoy me the most.
As we walk, I’ll be drawn in by your innocence, your youth, and your stunned silence. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that you’re twenty years my junior. Whatever it is though, it’s very attractive. You are not like other ladies.
Oh no! There’s that red flag flying again from the North Tower! Please, turn away.
My simple pleasures include…
Horse riding, scowling, and enjoying a nice bowl of gruel by the fire.
My dream partner is…
Ok, listen, I’m going to be frank with you. I don’t have many “friends” to speak of. Yes, of course there’s Mrs. Wench, but she only sticks around because we do margarita happy hour every day.
What I’m looking for is someone who will be my dearest friend, my closest confidant, and my partner in crime because I have actually locked my wife up in the North Tower. But it’s not my fault! I was tricked into marrying her because I was blinded by how hot she was! Nobody warned me that she had, like, thoughts and feelings, or was, you know, coerced.
Could I have spent a little more time getting to know her? Sure! But everyone was like, “C’monnnn, she’s super hot!” I simply had no option! You understand, of course, and that’s what I like about you. As aforementioned, you are simply unlike other ladies.
An interesting thing about me is…
I never miss karaoke Tuesdays!
Illustration by Andy Lindquist