Here at Blue Apron, our loyal customers have said that they love how we break down cooking step by meticulous step, so even a person with seven kids, three jobs, and eight episodes of Big Little Lies to catch up on can do it.

We’re so proud of our success that we’ve decided to expand our recipes into the lifestyle category. Using our patented Condescending Language That Assumes You Are At A First Grade Reading Level™, we’ve released “The Blue Apron Recipe for a Productive Morning.”

  • Open your eyes. Rub your right eye with your right hand. Repeat on your left side.
  • Yawn 1-2 times.
  • Check your phone to see what President Trump tweeted in the middle of the night.
  • Hyperventilate for 2-3 minutes, or until emotionally drained.
  • Walk to the kitchen.
  • Everyone loves fresh out of the dryer pants, and you can recreate the same sensation using your oven. Preheat your oven to 450 degrees.
  • While your oven is preheating, take the shirt from the bottom of your laundry pile and sniff the underarms.
  • Deem the shirt “not that smelly” and pull it over your head.
  • Roast your pants in the oven for 3-5 minutes.
  • While your pants are roasting, it’s time to make breakfast.
  • Grab two farm eggs, an already spoiled tomato (even though you got the delivery yesterday), and exactly two and a half handfuls of organic spinach.
  • Wash and dry the produce.
  • Put a dash of olive oil in the pan, because even though olive oil has a low smoke point and is not ideal for all forms of cooking, it’s the only thing we assume you own.
  • Turn the burner on to medium-high.
  • Get your pants out from the oven, and put your left leg in the pants, then your right leg.
  • Pull on your pants and zip them up.
  • Add farm eggs, spoiled tomato, and spinach to the one clean pan you own and bask in the aromas and sounds of cooking your own sustainable, flavorful, ethically responsible breakfast, that will taste “only okay” and “definitely homemade.”
  • Scramble the farm eggs, spoiled tomato, and organic spinach by stirring the ingredients.
  • Turn off the burner after two minutes and 47 seconds.
  • Grab a fork and knife.
  • Eat your meal. Are you basking in the aromas yet?
  • Worry you’ll be late to work because of all this basking for approximately 30-40 seconds, or until properly anxious. Put on shoes.
  • Consider which ride-sharing app has the best social justice policies by researching Uber, Via, Lyft, Moovn, Juno, and Doggo (the new app where cars are driven by dogs) for 3-4 minutes.
  • Just take a taxi at this point because at least your driver will honk at everyone to get you to work quickly.
  • Arrive 5-7 minutes late and work for 8 hours.
  • Come home. You’re too tired to cook any dinner.