I can barely get through the word without slipping into an eight-hour coma. If only there were ways to add some pizzaz to the somber process of protecting and maintaining a functioning democracy! Here are some suggestions to put the “POP” into “historically unPOPular President.”
The members dance in like Ellen.
Everyone loves Ellen! She’s the kind of complacent we can all get behind! Throw on some fun tunes and let the members file in one at a time, boogieing down to Dua Lipa’s latest. Give the people the show they deserve when you’re fighting against a black hole of Fox news propaganda!
Witnesses ride in on hoverboards.
What’s better than damning testimony? Damning testimony on a consistently recalled battery-operated dangerous segway without handles, that’s what!
Make Adam Schiff a DJ/hype man.
He’s already got that great location right in the middle of the room. All he’s missing is a giant set of headphones dangling lazily off of one ear. While the witnesses read out their opening statements he can add some excitement to the proceedings by playing Sandstorm.
Confetti cannon when someone has a snazzy “clap back.”
On the rare occasion that there’s a pithy comeback to a vile 4Chan conspiracy theory or personal attack, there should be some fanfare! Exploding glitter and rainbow-colored paper should add that element of surprise every public hearing involving complex international relations and charges of extortion and bribery in the highest seat of office requires.
The Masked Singer, but with witnesses.
Have you seen this show? It’s like mystery karaoke, and it’s incredibly popular. It’s also the solution to having the whistleblower appear in court without jeopardizing their safety! Put them into a funky leopard-in-a-dress costume, or a silly ice cream cone head! The kids’ll love it!
Make recesses actual recesses.
Throw some cameras in the parking lot outside and let us watch the committee members play kickball and jump rope. Can you imagine Joaquin Castro owning Jim Jordan in tetherball? Me neither, because Jim Jordan would be too busy ignoring serious complaints from anyone involved in school time sports.
Treat it like a Marvel movie.
The process is already as long as a Marvel movie, why not cash in on it? Add some alternate dimensions, some fancy laser-guns, and hilariously sharp-witted heroes! Since there are so many hearings coming our way, you’ve already lined up multiple long-winded sequels. Rocket Racoon? More like withheld Javelin Anti-Tank Rocket that could save Ukrainian lives!
Imagine our democracy is at stake.
Could be fun to treat this with the solemn respect it deserves! The President of the United States of America is credibly accused—with multiple corroborating witnesses—of committing extortion and bribery in order to get a foreign country to dig up dirt on his possible political opponent. That’s pretty metal! Not to mention the fact that he consistently violates the emoluments clause, has been accused of sexual assault by dozens of women, and is a racist who employs disgusting white nationalists. Can you imagine? Now that would be exciting!