1. Learn to be more open-minded.
Try not to judge everything. Force yourself to be a little bit more open-minded about daily occurrences. That way you won't find it strange when you look out the window and see your dog run around in wild circles at full speed, stop suddenly, take a shit, proceed to run around in wild circles again, stop suddenly, eat the shit…and then stare directly at YOU as if YOU'RE the strange one.
2. Cultivate patience.
Cultivate the virtue of patience and realize that you cannot control everything that happens in life, only control how you react…
There is nothing more embarrassing than watching your own flatulence cause people to choke and cry for mercy as local businesses have to shut down. …such as when you're taking a very peaceful nap right before your cat pukes on your bedroom floor, jumps on top of your chest, sticks its butt right in your face, paws at your stomach…and then proceeds to leap forcefully and aggressively into the air using your testicles as a springboard before landing on the floor, meowing angrily at you, and then dashing down the stairs like a bolt of furry lightning.
3. Learn to focus and pay attention.
Pay attention to what is going on at the moment. Don't think about the past, and don't worry about the future…live in the NOW. That way you won't ruin any more first dates with pretty, intelligent young women by gazing off into the distance wondering what it actually looks like when Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man make love.
4. Eat healthy food so that you can spare your loved ones and other people around you.
Social situations with family, friends, and loved ones are the absolute worst time for that unhealthy breakfast you devoured 8 hours ago to begin reminding you that it is seeking reincarnation in gaseous form. You already know how easy it is to "comfortably" let your guard down during relaxing situations with friends and family.
However, it is during these times that you might also "comfortably" release an unfortunate whiff of putrid flatulence that forms into an evil, green, venomous cloud of unrelenting destruction that descends upon everyone in the immediate area. There is nothing more embarrassing than watching your own flatulence cause people to choke and cry for mercy as local businesses have to shut down and emergency personnel have to come in to evacuate women, children, and other victims while closing off the area to prevent others from experiencing the truculent horror of screaming and death that has unfolded due to the fact that YOU had a McDonald's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit for breakfast.
5. Eat unhealthy food so that you can destroy your loved ones and other people around you… if they are all pricks.
OK, in all honesty, it's only fair to acknowledge that number 4 does not apply to everyone. For many people, the ones who have been the closest to them all of their lives are the same ones WHO NEED TO GO!!!
If you are one of these individuals…and you've come to the realization that you need a few less people in your life (whether it's the family members who keep giving you all the headaches, the friends who have been talking shit behind your back, the co-worker who has been fucking your girlfriend, or even that fellow church member who keeps looking at you funny because he wants to sodomize you relentlessly with the brand new steel dildo he just purchased), then here is the solution:
This is what you call a "Dutch Cave." Invite them all to go spelunking over the weekend. (Spelunking is a rather homosexual-sounding word that actually means "caving," in case you didn't know.) Before you go, eat lots of cabbage, beans, Doritos, chili peppers, eggs, tuna, and fermented pickles. Fill your canteen with canola oil instead of water. Wait until you all get into one of those really deep and tight caves that are absolutely impossible to get out of in a hurry…AND SAY GOODBYE TO ALL OF THESE "SPECIAL PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE. (Sure you might blow your asshole out and destroy that cheap, shitty pair of blue jeans you bought at Walmart, but what the Hell…sometimes revenge is absolutely necessary.)
6. Write poorly constructed poetry about your drinking problems…like the following:
Life can be crazy, and I do fully agree
That my drunken behavior has reached the 10th degree
I continue to drink and self-medicate
And say things to people that make them irate
I get really drunk and act like a buffoon
And the stories I tell make people think I'm a loon
Some of my stories reveal that my mind is quite sick
While others show clearly that I'm a hopeless prick
Like, just the other week when I went out to the bar,
And drank so much beer that I couldn't see very far
I suddenly decided that I should try to get laid
So I turned to the girl next to me, and I asked for her name
She looked at me strangely, and said "Pull up a seat!"
And I sat down next to her, trying to be discreet
"I so very horny, and I've been looking at you
Because I haven't been laid….since 2002"
She replied in a voice that sounded so very crude
And then I realized….THAT I'D BEEN HITTING ON A DUDE!!!
I set down my glass and ran straight for the door
But I tripped on the stool, and landed right on the floor
I picked myself up and continued my flight,
And as I drove home, I fell off of my motor-bike
I laid on the street, feeling loads of despair,
And truck-loads of my own vomit…spewed into the air
Now before you say anything, I want to make it quite clear
That many good writers… drink shitloads of beer
I'm the fly in the ointment, I'm the pain in your ass
And while you're behind the bar, could you fill up my glass?
Because my purpose in life is to annoy and confuse
And bring in dark clouds… when skies should be blue
So you better watch out…if you've got nothing better to do
Because the next story I write…might be about YOU!!
7. Learn how to properly handle spontaneous romantic situations…like the following:
When I was at the supermarket the other day, I was approached by the most beautiful young woman I had ever seen. I could tell from her gaze that she was interested in me. She had been watching me ever since I walked into the supermarket. The whole experience was so magnetic and unreal. It almost seemed that she was cradling me with her deep, brown eyes. And when I first saw her, and when I looked into those eyes, I could not help but imagine pleasant scenery with birds singing, puppy dogs playing, soft blades of grass blowing gently in the loving wind, and the sun blessing everything with eternal warmth that feels like a hot bath.
I cannot even describe what I felt when I looked into her luminous, gleaming, heavenly eyes. The bewildering depth of those soul-penetrating brown eyes created the soothing bed of feathers upon which my spirit rested. I realized that I could not resist. I was submitting to her eyes…eyes that exerted impelling yet pleasing dominance over every ounce of my willpower, over the changing seasons of my emotional being, over the vulnerability of my human heart…and over the very rationality of my own thoughts. Those eyes could truly halt the wildest of ocean storms.
Slowly and gracefully, she walked over to me…never taking her eyes away from mine. I could feel the essence of her femininity with every sense of my body, and it created a deep yearning in my soul. As she approached, I could smell the subduing fragrance of her perfume, and I could see the curves of her exposed, voluptuous cleavage. I began shaking a little. My heart melted inside me as she pressed her soft, gorgeous, magnificent breasts up against my chest. She seductively brushed aside her beautiful, dark hair and looked even deeper into my eyes…a look that seemed to say, "You belong to me." Her eyes began glistening with the realization that she had hopelessly imprisoned me with her powerful, erotic stare. Sweetly and gently, she began caressing the back of my neck. A hurricane of feelings and emotions began wreaking havoc within me as a volcano of passionate lustful thoughts erupted in my mind.
She put her soft, ruby-red lips up against my ear and quietly whispered…
"Who are you?"
And instead of saying, "I am Wesley Jansen"…
"I am an internal entity of truculent capabilities yet an external expression of submissiveness. I am an eternally progressive accumulation of both enormous yet minute phenomena; however, I am also an instantly regressive deconstruction of both expanding yet contracting spontaneity. I am the antithesis of overwhelming substantiality, yet the thesis of a really good history paper. I am a master of reptilian elusiveness yet a servant of irresponsible randomness, and I also find that while I am the indirect result of a direct cause, I somehow indirectly cause direct results. I am the fulfillment of a permanent, vaporous perpetuality manifested in a solitary, enigmatic form of impermanent reversal."
Sadly and to my surprise, she walked away from me when I asked her who she was.