Rule #1: Women like men who are truthful and honest.
Your wife or girlfriend keeps asking you why you act so funny whenever her sister comes to visit. She just can't seem to figure out why you seem completely normal every other day, but when her sister is around, you tend to get really nervous, blush and perspire excessively, stutter, accidentally knock over furniture, and forget your own name.
Just tell her it's a fever.
Rule #2: Women like men who drink too much.
There is nothing exciting about a man who spends all of his time engaging in the pursuit of knowledge and self-improvement while maintaining a balanced and healthy lifestyle. Women like men who live dangerously, and the best way to live dangerously is to drink too much…especially on weekends.
The sign of a perfect man who knows how to live dangerously is a man who will always ask the following three questions after an adventurous night of drinking with his friends:
- Was that security camera really on, or are you just messing with me?
- Was Dave able to out-run the police, or did they catch him?
- Where are my pants?
Rule #3: Women like men who cut off conversations they don't want to have.
Jennifer: Bill, I need to talk to you about something. Actually, there are lots of things I've been meaning to tell you. It may not be easy for you to hear this, so I think you should probably sit down first. For the past four years, I've been—
Bill: You know what, sweetie? I'm really tired. Can we have this conversation later? I've had a long day at work, and my favorite TV show is on, "Men Who Achieve Greatness Despite Horrible Fishing Accidents."
Rule #4: Women like men who are willing to share the erotic dreams they have.
Any woman would be absolutely delighted to hear the following:
"Oh my God, honey, I had the most amazing dream last night. I was sitting at a dinner table across from the most stunning red-haired woman I have ever seen. I was just minding my own business when she began rubbing her foot up my leg and into my crotch. Later, I got up to go to the restroom, and while I was in there she burst through the door, grabbed me by the shirt, pushed me up against the bathroom mirror, and said:
Don't you dare ignore me! I'm beautiful and rich. If you marry me, you'll never have to work again. You can quit your job and live like a king. All you have to do is come home with me tonight. I'm going to call up two of my really hot girl friends, and you are going to help us rub expensive oil all over our gorgeous, naked bodies. I'm going to tie you down in a chair and slap you around a little bit, and then I'm going to make you watch while my friends and I have really hot lesbian sex. After that, I'm going to untie you and give you a good spanking… because you did a VERY NAUGHTY THING by watching. When your spanking is finished…we are all going to crawl into a big hot tub together and—
…Honey? What's wrong? Why do you look so upset? It was just a dream, geez. It's not like it REALLY happened."
Rule #5: Women DO NOT like men who guard their own sexual purity.
I did some of my own personal investigation into this one. I once posed a question to a female co-worker of mine while we were having a few beers at my place on a Friday night. We were talking about relationships in general, so I decided to ask her a question.
I wasn't trying to make a statement about all guys in general, but I told her that there are still many men out there who would love to find and marry women who are virgins. Although it is growing into an old-fashioned idea, lots of men seem to place high value on female virginity. So, given that many men still hope to find women who are virgins, I asked the question:
"Do women hope to find men who are virgins?"
Never before had I heard one single word uttered with such belligerent magnitude and force. The truculent blast of energy that emanated from her answer—NO!—was nearly enough to hurl me out of my chair and send me flying across the room before crashing through the wall and landing in my next door neighbor's apartment.
For my own safety, that's one question I will never ask a female again.
Rule #6: Women like men who understand that all relationships require balance.
Every relationship, just like every individual, needs to be balanced. And this includes small things as well, such as going to movies.
I once took a girl to see the new re-make of Conan the Barbarian. When the movie was over, she told me that I owed her a chick flick because I had made her watch such an extremely masculine movie loaded with blood, gore, and relentless violence; even worse, it had been in 3D.
The ultimate in alien terror, now 1% chick-friendly!I promised her that we would go to a more "chick-friendly" movie next time, so a couple weeks later I took her to The Thing. After spending a couple of hours watching an alien invade and destroy people's bodies in an exceedingly horrifying manner, the look of disapproval on her face was evident. She glared at me without saying anything, expecting an answer.
All I could say was, "Hey, what are you so mad about? That was TOTALLY a chick flick. I mean, there WAS a girl in the movie, wasn't there?"
Rule #7: Women like men who know how to "keep their cool."
When you first meet a girl you really like, it's always important to "keep your cool." You NEVER want to reveal any sort of loneliness or desperation. I was out with my friends one night, not expecting anything special to happen, when the most amazing woman walked through the door. We hit it off immediately, and I could tell that she was interested in me. From the social company to the cool night air… everything that night had been perfect. I simply couldn't wait to see her again, but I knew I had to remain casual in order to successfully pursue her. If she was ever going to be interested in dating me, I would have to "keep my cool."
So the next day, I sent her the following text:
"HELLO. THIS IS WESLEY. I KNOW THAT WE JUST MET LAST NIGHT, BUT YOU CAUSED WAVES OF INEXPRESSABLE AND DESPERATE PASSION TO COURSE THROUGH MY HELPLESS AND NEEDY SOUL. I WAS NOTHING MORE THAN AN ISLAND OF LONLINESS AND DESPAIR WHEN THE WILD, UNCONTROLLABLE STORM OF YOUR AMAZING BEAUTY DROWNED ME IN HOPELESS FASHION.
RIGHT NOW, I'M SITTING ALONE IN MY ROOM SOAKING IN A WATERFALL OF MY OWN WRETCHED TEARS. EVERY THOUGHT OF YOU WREAKS HAVOC ON MY MIND AS THE MEMORY OF OUR MEETING LAST NIGHT MAKES ME WEEP EVEN FURTHER. WHEN I THINK OF THE PENETRATING GLANCE OF YOUR RAVISHING EYES AND THE ENTICING SEXUALITY THAT RADIATES FROM YOUR MAGNIFICENT FEMININE BODY, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THAT THE TOUCH OF YOUR SOFT SKIN WOULD MELT MY HEART LIKE AN ICICLE IN A SCORCHING DESERT.
TEAR AFTER TEAR STREAMS DOWN MY FACE AS I SIT ALONE IN THIS DARK AND GLOOMY ROOM…WISHING YOU WERE HERE. I WILL REMAIN IN BITTER AND HORRIBLE PAIN UNTIL I COLLAPSE INTO YOUR ARMS…AFTER MAKING SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO YOU.
Anyway, we should hang out again sometime. Call me."