I can be a douchebag sometimes. I will be the first to admit it. I get drunk or drugged out, and make bad decisions. You might say, "But John, doesn't every college kid do this?" The answer is yes, they do. But the difference between them and me is a fit in this rare category where you don't experience regret.

That's right, I cannot think of a single moment where I wish I could go back and undo the things I've done. This includes unprotected sex, buying mystery pills from people who look homeless, and making out with 16-year-olds. I just don't give a shit.

Last night I drank a bottle of whiskey and fucked a fat girl. It happens. Sometimes I turn into Captain Ahab and try to find Moby if the night gets boring (Moby Dick the whale, not the bald musician, for those of you who have never read a book in your life. He fucking rocks shit like it's nobody's business). Some people think this makes me a bad person, and you're right, it does. I am a terrible person. I'll walk right past handicapped people who can't open doors, I'll give people the wrong directions and send them down dead ends, and I won't feed my roommate's cat because it ate a box of my cereal once.

An ex-girlfriend of mine asked me once why I act like this, right after I told her I wouldn't have sex with her that night because she was lookin' ugly. I shrugged my shoulders and drove home drunk.

But now that I think about it, why do I act like this? I was beaten as a child, but that's because I was an asshole and I deserved it. I had both my parents and a well-structured family. My parents understood the concept of morals and tried to instill them in me, but I think they were sent by overnight express mail and never reached me. My friends aren't assholes; I'm the token brown eye in my group. It could be all the screamo I listen to, but that wouldn't make sense; I should be cutting myself instead of getting belligerent. Maybe it's genetic; I mean, my uncle is a huge dick and everyone thinks he is hilarious. Most people like being around me when I am inebriated, unless for some reason I direct my drunk wrath at you.

Which I did about a week ago when this redneck was yelling at people as they passed by my house at 6:30 in the morning. I, being half asleep, became aggravated, and instead of making a polite request for him to stop, like most civil humans, I opened my window and threatened to murder his family if he did not stop. He told me to come down and say that, so I did. Keep in mind that I am 5'8" and about 130 pounds. He had to know this since he saw me in the window, but when I ran out my front door and into the street, he was gone. Vanished into his hillbilly house. When I think about it, he might have been handicapped, and not a redneck.

But when it comes down to it, I think I am a product of society. Not in that bullshit violent video games and TV crap, but in the sense that when I act like this, people laugh, and I don't get into trouble. No one has knocked me down a peg ever, and I've been doing this a long time. As long as someone laughs at the guy who is punching mailboxes for no reason on a Tuesday night, then that guy will keep doing it.

So if someone is acting like an asshole and you don't like it, you can do two things. First, you can ignore them and hope they go away. Where there's no attention given, there's no reason to act like an asshole. Second, you can punch them in the face, because nothing gets the message across like being punched in the face. I just now realized that if this ever gets published, I'm going to get punched in the face. A lot.

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