The building’s smallest, legal apartment size offers spaces to sit, contemplate what you’ve become, and also to sit.
Fine, sleep in the Studio Apartment, but don’t sleep on it. What was previously applauded as the only affordable option for a life without roommates has come under heat since COVID-19 forced us to spend an unprecedented amount of time at home. Sure, living and working in the same, sub-500 square foot space can be suffocating; but only when you’re overlooking its vast potential for activities! The Studio Apartment is famously compact, which means there are vibrant options for a bountiful weekend only steps away from each other. It’s on you to step in the right direction.
1. Can We Chat?, 5 PM
Right as you’re closing your laptop to start the weekend, your phone buzzes with a text from Mark, the project manager on your team, who asked for your number on his first day for what you thought were social reasons. Apparently, a “huddle” is needed to ensure “timelines” are “respected moving forward.” Hop off the couch and back on Zoom with a terse smile pasted to your face. Don’t forget to put your shirt back on! (Oh no, the virtual seminar you were going to attend on mental health won’t be taped ($35). Its main point of advice was to “eat lunch in a different room.”)
2. No One Out Pizzas the Hut, 8 PM
What’s the best reason for a pizza from the third best national chain? Aside from the fact that you’re too sad to cook—you’ve got a coupon (2 2-topping pizzas for the whole family)! When you’re masked up and retrieving the pizza downstairs, take a moment to contemplate your privilege then tip recklessly ($150). Pick from a variety of spots to dig in—the couch, randomly standing up, or the couch—then munch and analyze your career.
3. Shots Anyone?, 10 PM
In plain view but overlooked for its party potential, the couch offers an understated but accessible vibe to pound Bourbon ($45 bottle), stare at the wall and ask yourself how your life amounted to this.
4. Can We Circle Back to Our Chat?, 10:00 AM
How do you say “Saturday” in the local dialect? An emergency text from Mark. Enjoy a leisurely stroll from bed back to the “working area” and hop back in to learn what feedback the client ignored their family to provide overnight.
5. Treat Yo Self, 12 PM
Nothing whispers decadence like lunch in bed. Take your saltine crackers ($3.99), jar of peanut butter ($2.99) and off-brand Oreos ($4.50) to your apartment’s lap of luxury and bring some wine ($9.99) why don’t you? Unless that’s too sad, but you’re the boss here and it isn’t. Note: the crumbs may attract mice, but maybe they’ll be your friends?
6. Ex Marks the Spot, 3 PM
Right as lunch is ending, you notice your ex’s sweatshirt ($75 for their family’s Winter Secular Holiday) beckoning from the closet like an inviting, hand-drawn sign on a quaint main street. You hold it delicately and take a deep inhale. It recalls past plans to look for a place out in the suburbs together. You could have had a yard. Why don’t you put it on? It’s starting to get awfully chilly in here.
7. Vote Left, Eat Leftovers, 8 PM
Now that you’re feeling reminiscent, why don’t you scroll through Instagram photos of Barack Obama? His face alone evokes an optimism you feel is now absent from eternity. Convince yourself melancholy is beautiful and hold on to it until you wash it down with that second pizza, which was supposed to be for a family, which you don’t have…
8. Dive Couch, 10 PM
And that brings us back to the bar vibe. Who says you can’t go somewhere twice in the same weekend? Particularly when it’s the best option in town. Spice it up a bit! Instead of bourbon tonight, how about a Yeti filled with gin?
9. Rise and Cry, 10 AM
Vacations always benefit from recharge time. Text Mark that you can’t come in tomorrow ($360 in docked pay, you’re out of PTO) because of a virtual funeral. Pretend it is your own. Did the mice come?
10. Toilet for One, 12:30 PM
A reservation at the hottest only other room in the apartment isn’t easy to come by, but you snagged it. Mix things up! Grab your Cheddar Blasted Goldfish ($5.25), squeezable jar of pickle relish ($4.75), and box of 12 donuts and enjoy the new surroundings. Hang out until your three-course meal needs to be evacuated—this place is a One Stop Shit.
11. Breathe, Journal, Repeat 3 PM
Even though your physical space is limited, your mental and emotional space is not. Take some real time to address your own mental health. Recognize that you’re employed and that you’re living in 450 square feet, something the human race may never present as an option again, during a global pandemic. This is unprecedented, you’re lucky and everything will be ok.
And good news! You get to do this again next weekend. And the next, and the next, until you abandon human life as we know it and join the mice in their mission to remain hidden and find crumbs. Or, until there’s a vaccine or something else. That bleach under the bathroom sink is looking awfully preventative…
The Studio Apartment costs $2,500/month.