I know a lot of women out there are worried about getting access to birth control under potential new changes to healthcare laws, so I’ve compiled this helpful list of alternative and underutilized birth control methods.

1. Trust Your Partner

Before you have sex with a man, get to know his personality. This will decrease your chance of wanting to have sex with him.

2. Menstrual Cycle Tracking

If you have a partner, ask him to keep track of your menstrual cycle for you based on your behavior. When he says he thinks you’re menstruating, ask him what the hell that means, and then break up with him. This will stave off the sex and also pregnancy before it happens.

3. The Pull-Out Method

Pull out your phone anytime a man tries to talk to you. Keep your phone out until he stops talking. Then ejaculate on your own tits.

4. The Pill

Do drugs instead of having sex. They’re more fun.

5. The Ring

Watch The Ring instead of having sex. It’s scarier (sometimes).

6. Plan B

Only sleep with men who have already been shut down by whoever they had been planning to sleep with that night, because they’ll probably have condoms on them.

7. Abstinence

Stop drinking alcohol.

8. The Patch

Wear an eye patch on both eyes. Then stay inside your apartment to avoid crashing into things.

9. Spermicide

If someone has sperm, murder him.

10. iUD

Only have sex with men who only own Apple products.

11. Condoms

Have a water balloon fight with condoms instead of having sex. It’s more fun!

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12. The 10 Things I Hate About You

Method

Only have sex if your sister is having sex. Then become sisters with a chair.

13. The Prime Method

Only have sex on prime number calendar days, but also only with men who can list all the primes between 1 and 31.

14. The Existential Method

Consider fun and healthy alternatives to sexual activity, like taking a nap, going for a job, or lying on your floor contemplating your life.

15. The Trump Method

Think about Trump before having sex. Then don’t.

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