1. Offered presidential pardon by Barack Obama, but turned it down saying “I must pay my debt to society, but goddammit, Podesta is going with me.”
  2. Screams from oven heard: “I can still feel my toes! Turn it up to 900, you bitch! Come, sweet release of hellfire!”
  3. Found sprawled on kitchen floor holding an empty Xanax bottle and a liquid heroin-filled turkey baster.
  4. Suicide note found in fridge, reading “You have called me Butterball for the last time, assholes. May the blood stains on your hands gnaw at your souls unto the ends of your sad, pathetic lives, you body-shaming pieces of shit.”
  5. Last 12 posts on Facebook: “At Hard Rock Café bar watching Dr. Phil.”
  6. Processed at Seattle location of Tyson Foods.
  7. Has been complaining of vague physical symptoms for weeks. “I know I’m probably overreacting, but I wonder if this numbness could mean something. I did tell you gullet cancer runs in my family, right?”
  8. Previous 9 Facebook posts: “At Ft. Logan Mental Health Center listening to The Cure.”
  9. Arrested for rioting and looting Ralph’s frozen food section in protest of President-elect Sanders in confused delirium.  “What, he didn’t?? And it wasn’t Harland Sanders??”
  10. Seems to lack motivation to carry out daily life tasks. Hasn’t foraged for acorns in weeks. Just sits in room alone watching Forensic Files,crying.
  11. Expresses desire to move to Pacific Northwest because “the moisture might help my allergies,” but fantasizes about turning head upward and heard dreamily repeating, “The clouds; they’re so beautiful.”
  12. Places call to State Farm agent to make sure premium payments are current.
  13. Inexplicably changed allegiance from Dallas Cowboys to Green Bay Packers.
  14. Facebook post previous to those at Ft. Logan: “At Christian Science Reading Room wondering what it all means.”