Jonas Brothers on People Magazine coverHave you ever wondered why companies give you a confirmation number for a transaction? If something goes wrong and they don't believe you bought a product or can't find your information, why does one complicated number clear everything up? Is there some hidden place in the computer where your personal data locks itself up in a closet and refuses to come out unless you recite a ridiculous jumble of characters to satisfy it? "Hmm, Mr. Sullivan, I don't see your information anywhere here. Are you sure you placed a subscription with us? …. Uh-huh …. Okay do you have your confirmation number handy? ….. (repeating) J-M-C-0-4-8-9-3-5-H-8-3-Y-%-8-5-$ …. Hmm, I still am not showing that you placed an order with— Oh right, please continue …. (repeating) 7-7-T-N-B-4-0-1-U-X-X-X-X-0-0-X-0-X-0 … AH YES, here it is. On February 10th, you placed an order for a 10-year subscription to…Teen People, correct? … Excellent. Your first issue featuring the ugliest of the Jonas Brothers should arrive within 3 weeks."

Did you hear how the Somali pirates are now trying to take revenge on U.S. sailors for killing their pirates… who happened to be holding an American hostage? That makes absolutely no sense to me. That would be like me kidnapping your girlfriend, you heroically shooting me dead while I held a knife to her throat, then my dad vowing to hunt you down and kill you for shooting me. I'm not one to play the "who did what to who first" game, but you can't really call yourself a pirate and then play the defense card.

I want to start a news website call " – The news organization that won't tell you anything you didn't already know." It will just be a bunch of yesterday's headlines and the same old same old economic bad news and black on white crime stories so all you have to do is scan the front page and go "I'm not surprised" over and over.

And now I present "The News Sub-Headline They Forgot to Show" where I copy and paste the 7 current news headlines on and then show you what they left out:

Tens of thousands flee Sri Lanka war zone ahead of gov't deadline – Gov't deadline quickly catches up to refugees and gives them huge paper cuts with oversized calendars 

Taliban kidnaps father of Afghanistan's education minister – Rebels vow to uneducate father until his son no longer recognizes him

Report: Cyberspies hacked into $300 billion U.S. fighter project – Government estimates $600 billion now available for project thanks to spies' "generous donation"

Employees find 4 bodies inside suburban Baltimore hotel room – All 4 were sleeping soundly until employees barged in despite "Do Not Disturb" sign

Florida lawmakers considering a ban on ‘crash taxes' – Lawmakers suggest putting all taxes back together one piece at a time, even if they are still mostly unrecognizable

Oil prices languish below $46 following broad sell-off of stocks – Gasoline mad that Dad doesn't seem to be doing very well at work

Analyzing DNA for risk of illnesses may not be worth expense – Illnesseses increasingly foregoing health insurance on the good news

I got an organic microwave meal today that said on the front, "All Natural*, No Preservatives or Artificial Flavors". Problem is, I looked everywhere on the box and nowhere did it define the star. Naturally*, I'm a bit worried that people can toss any words they want onto food packaging as long as they put a little symbol next to it. I think Jesus would also oppose whatever unethical goal$ this company was trying to achieve.

*Product of corporate frustration, not genetics

From the bestselling novel "The Bible"

$Lots of money