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Whenever I see a quarter in the “Leave a penny, take a penny” dish at the convenience store, I think, “Well, I guess a millionaire was here earlier.”
I used to have an irrational fear of leaving the house with the stove on. So now I just bring the stove with me.
My girlfriend said she wanted to spice up our sex life with some role playing. She said next time I should play the sexually unsatisfied partner.
In college, I study theatre, film, and creative writing. Which in the arts means I’m a triple threat, and in my family means I’m a “concern.”
“One more time, and this time with filling!” exclaimed the director of Jelly Donuts Gone Wild.
I was at a barbeque and I saw that the condiments table had a sign reading “Please take only what you need.” I now have a table.
I checked into a hotel and asked for a wake up call. They said “you’re ugly and you’re wasting your life.”
Construction sign says “Road Work,” but how do I know if they won’t let me drive on it?
The woman sat in a corner, knitting a sweater. The man sat in the opposite corner, sweating a knitter.
My wife asked me if I preferred to be buried or cremated. I said “surprise me.”
A magician’s worst nightmare:
1. A guy with amnesia
2. A wizard
3. A saw-resistant assistant
I was picked up and held by the police because, sometimes, I just need to be held.
Girls don’t want a guy who’s down to earth. They want someone tall.
I’m a sophomore, but my girlfriend is a senior. And let me tell you, the joy she brings to my life almost makes the two-and-a-half-hour drive to the nursing home worth it.
Three VIPs got washed up on a desert island. Within a few days they’d all had a guided tour of it.
This meeting could have been an email. This marriage could’ve been a fling. This college degree could’ve been a phase. This breakdown could’ve been a day off. This life coach could’ve been a fortune cookie. This intervention could’ve been a meeting.
Every time I go to confession the priest tells me to stop masturbating. And I always tell him, “Hold on, I’m almost done.”
What does armed to the teeth mean? Isn’t that just braces?
I liked ska music before it wasn’t cool.
I’m not really into safe sex. I always forget the combination.