Professor Quotes

"When you people get low grades, it makes me as mad as a one-legged Ethiopian watching a doughnut roll down the hill."
-Professor Smith, expressing genuine concern for his students

"They hand out sexual favors the way you and I would hand out Triscuits."
-Professor Coale, talking about two characters in a book

Steph: I don't have time to study for this exam! Maybe I should email the prof and tell him I have to go to my grandma's funeral.
Amanda: She died again?
Steph: Shit!! You're right. I killed her off last test.
-On repeat offenders

Professor McTolen: Jack, where is your report on the human brain?
Hank: Suck my dick, McTolen.
Professor McTolen: Only if you turn in your report.
-On short comings

"Yeah, and every time you'd see a towel I'd shoot cocaine into your blood stream. "
-Professor Carpenter, on cool party games

"Either you all have something up your sleeves, or I just missed an enormous orgy."
-Prof H, after coming in to a room full of smiling students

Professor Feather: So the planets aren't only moving through space, space itself is expanding.
Chris: So what you're saying is, if you went back in time and looked at Earth a long time ago, the dinosaurs would be like three feet tall.
-Chris, not understanding the universe

"Ugh, eating White Castle sandwiches is like eating an abortion on a bun."
-Professor K, on miniature disgusting

Jennifer: Man, Dr. Langille is being a bastard today.
Emma: I know, he won't even believe us when we lie.
-Shouting out random numbers during probability

"If you turn this assignment in late and I go into labor while grading it, there will be some SERIOUS deductions."
-Professor Moist, ready to pop

"If I catch any one of you drawing another cock on my board, I'll draw one on your face!"
-An enraged Professor Stevenson's foolproof deterrent for anti-social behavior in her class

"How the fuck are you, everyone? This is an Honors course as you know and I'm your professor. Isn't it a beautiful fucking day outside? (Begins to eat his Subway sandwich) Oh, and I might as well tell you that I think all of you are dumb, and I'm smarter than you. And, I like to curse, so if you have a problem with that, too fucking bad. So how was everyone's summer? I don't really care, just figure I'd ask. I don't really like any of you."
-Professor, introducing himself on the first day of class after rolling in with a red wagon and a Subway sandwich (he got fired)

"If you turn your head the right way as you're walking through the fence, you don't see the 'NO TRESPASSING' sign."
-Professor Hanns, during a bio trip to a private beach

"We're all going to McDonald's motherfucker and I don't care if you're a vegetarian, you're gonna eat that shit! And then when you're done eating it how do you feel? That's right, like a dirty little whore....used!"
-Professor Conte, on how food is better when you make it yourself

"Rationalization...it's like justifying the thought 'hump, hump, hump' with 'well, I really do love her so it's okay.' That's rationalization. It's self-deception, and it lets us think that what we're doing is okay."
-Professor Glick, during psychology