Professor Quotes

"I may not look like I'm doing anything, but on the molecular level, I am VERY BUSY!"
-Dr. E, on excuses that only work in the Biology department

Professor S: Can you make some photocopies for me? I have to go tuck in my shirt.
Ariel: Sure.
-Too much information?

"Alright, who here is from Canada? One person? You? Okay, well, Happy Thanksgiving."
-"Professor" Bo Deng, in heavy Korean accent at the beginning of a Calculus 2 class

"Why do we need statistics? So politicians can lie, that's why!"
-Professor Bors, starting off a statistics lecture

"If you get kidnapped and you're on some rooftop in Bangladesh then, after you're freed, you can give me your homework."
-Professor Nugent, on the only reason he will accept late homework

"I once had a student tell me, 'You know, I really enjoy your class... even when I'm stoned." Then there was a little pause and he finished, 'especially when I'm stoned.'"
-Professor Tim Kahrl, laying out the preferred state of learning

Professor Baron: Barbara!
Professor Weninger: Hi Mike!
Professor Baron: Did you sleep on the floor last night or on a bed?
Professor Weninger: In a bed.
-On cryptic co-worker conversations

"What is all this crap? It looks like a furniture store in here. What is this? An overhead projector from 1950?"
-Professor Nugent, complaining about the state of the classroom

Ariel: You haven't seen Professor Weninger, have you?
Professor Preston: No, I haven't seen her, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't exist. Just because I don't see things doesn't mean they're not real.
-On signs of life

"Kids who hide drugs in their lockers don't deserve to get high. I mean, God, I thought weed was supposed to make you creative."
-Professor Barbara John, smoking yourself stupid

Julia: Professor, can I take a picture of your tie?
Professor: Sure Julia, do you like cats a lot?
Chris: Hahahaha, Julia hates animals.
Julia: I don't hate animals! I hate children!
-On the same difference

"I could grow it! I've thought about it. If I'm unemployed, I'll just grow it. My dad farms, I could grow it!"
-Professor Winkler, on her backup plan of growing weed

Student: Professor, you're going to post the assignments on the website tonight right?
Professor: Sure, right after I work out the kinks in quantum physics, solve world poverty, and finish my beer.
-On fat chances

"You see? This is what I mean - it gets sticky! In more ways than one."
-Professor Winkler, on opening up a dispensary and whether it would be taxed

Professor (addressing Tired Girl): Why are you always so tired? Remember that summer school movie with that guy who'd always sleep in class?
Random Girl: The one that was a male stripper?
Tired Girl: Wait, what are you saying?!
-During an early morning Drawing 101 class