Professor Quotes

"Queen Elizabeth the First was kind of like a little Oprah..."
-Professor Earenfight, struggling for new spins on European history

"There's an old saying, 'twenty minutes of passion leads to a lifetime of responsibility.' But in my case, it would be more like two minutes."
-Professor Forline, on realistic expectations

"At your age, you are either really engaged in the issues, or really resistant to them... or somewhere in between."
-Professor Jha

"What did you all do this weekend? I had great sex."
-Professor Shasky, starting off the semester right

"Has everyone seen Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle? No? OK, required viewing for this class."
-Professor Jha, in an International film class

"They wanted to get the brightest men and women and mate them together--oh look, you guys can all just procreate within this class! Of course, we might need some more men. Or maybe not..."
-Professor Punsalan, during a hightly gender imbalanced honors theology class

"Okay, here's a list of the world's shortest books. 'My Search to Find the True Killer' by OJ Simpson. 'UNIX Made Easy'..."
-Professor Weiss, first words on the first day of class

"You have to stop and think before you kill someone."
- Professor S, on plain good advice

"You can go home and write it in your diary: 'Dear diary, I mastered the BRV in math class today. My life has meaning again. I canceled my suicide plan.' See, I just added years to your life!"
-Professor Malafronte, on the giveth and taketh

JR: Dr. Butler, you know a little bit about the Civil War, don't you?
Dr. B: Yeah, just a little bit. I know the South won the war.
JR: That a fact?
Dr. B: Oh yes. Being a Doctor of History, I know the truth, and it's the damn liberal professors of this country who keep covering up the truth of the South's Glorious Victory. Hail Dixie!
-On top of Lookout Mountain, as another college tour group walked by

"You may think I'm being anal. Yes, yes I am! It's either this or homicidal!"
-Professor Malafronte, presenting the lesser of two evils

"If you have a hot temper, it's up to you to control it. Take anger management classes, do drugs, whatever you need to do."
-Prof S, on self-control

"I had a student once who refused to sign his name on his paper. Instead he drew an eye. It was like someone was staring at me from the top of the page; it drove me nuts. Actually, he was the one who was nuts."
-Professor Malafronte, on the student who turned himself into a symbol

"Greatest Snow on Earth - I'm assuming that's referring to some ski resort. Or maybe a large amount of cocaine, I'm not sure."
-Professor Spatt

David: Jay-Z bought his own color and had it patented.
Professor Spatt: He bought a color? From who, the color gods?
-Behold, the Mighty Color Gods