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"That shit's strong! It came up and bit me in the face!"
-Nora, drinking Everclear

"I don't think you really get dizzy when you're drunk. You just gain sense of how fast the earth is really moving."
-Beth, drunk and dizzy

"I have too much blood in my alcohol stream."

"Man cannot live on bread alone."
-Nick, after hauling $239 worth of liquor and beer to his room

"But everyone talks with a British accent when they drink."
-Rick, drunk

Darrel: Nick, God is telling you to drink this beer.
Nick: God is gay.
-Nick, avoiding his final beer

"Happy Birthday, and I'm guessing that since it is your birthday, that there will be an alcohol genocide tonight."
-Grant, to his binge-drinking buddy

"The liver is evil and must be punished."

"That much whiskey would have killed any 'normal' elephant."
-Lyle, referring to the amount of alcohol he and his friend drank the day before

Jack: Dude, are you alright?
Paul: Yeah, I just wanted to see if I could feel that.
-Paul, after hitting his head on a closet door while drunk

"It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn to drink."
-Ryan, to his friend Mike during a drinking game

"The drunker I sit here, the longer I get."
-Pete, getting drunk

"Dude, I'm out of focus cause I'm so drunk."
-Jake, being videotaped

Corrie: The second alcohol hits my lips my vagina starts to tingle. Does that happen to you?
Holly: No.

"Nothing may be nothing to you, but nothing is something to me!"
-Kelly, offered a drink with "nothing" in it by her friend Trevor

Cameron: Did you use a
Adam: No man...I drank myself sterile.
-Breakfast conversation, extremely hungover

"That stuff doesn't work! I've been taking roofies for years and I still haven't got laid!"
-Trisha, on spiking drinks

"Sometimes I think that I'm an alcoholic...but then I realize I'll forget that when I'm drunk"

Tom: Hey, what's a three-letter natural laxative?
Mike: MGD.
-Tom, doing a crossword

"Man, I'm like Mexican food, I'll fuck your ass up."
-Robby B., trying to be
intimidating while drunk

Matt: Timmy there's two of you.
Timmy: Then your world is twice as good.
-After two handles
of Captain Morgan's

David: Why the hell are you fingering me?
Paul: Cause your a fucking pussy, now do it damnit.
-Paul, pointing his friend out to take another shot

"He who laughs last, hasn't passed out yet."

"What can't beer do?"
-Mike E.

"No bounce bounce makes the beer go drip drip."
-Beth, drunkenly telling her friend to stop jumping on the trampoline while she was drinking

"My liver has been to more countries than the rest of my body."
-Steve, on
his liver's exclusive exposure to import beers

"WOW! If you bend over and stand up again real fast, it's almost like being drunk all over again!"
-Erika, on cheap thrills

Amanda: It's cool, it's wet, it's refreshing.
Robin: What, is my ass sweating?
-Amanda, on
beer; Robin, on crack

"I'm denying the bucket!"
-German, refusing to throw up after drinking an entire liter of Captain Morgan

Marisa: You're drinking already? The sun's not even down yet...
Katie: Yeah, God can still see you.
-Marisa and Katie, chastising their friend Jen for having a drink after work

Kailee: There is no happy medium drunk for me.
Brynn: Well...remember the time when we only puked once?

"There's no such thing as an alcoholic, just a good customer."
-Nick, while
working at a beer distributor

"When in doubt, take off your pants."
-Pete, on his drinking strategy

Chris: Why don't you call up those hot chicks?
Leo: I'll do it when I'm wasted-er.

"I'm going out the same way I came in"
-Patty, while drinking Smirnoff Ice
during her last week at WMU

"I may be really drunk, but I can still walk better than Superman."
-Jay B.,
in reference to Christopher Reeve

Megan: I just broke the seal.
Danielle: Have you even been drinking?
Umm, no.
-Megan, not understanding that to "break the seal" requires
drinking first

"Scientists have proven that a little beer is good for you. Tonight I'm gonna try overdosing in an attempt to gain super-human
powers...who wants to be my sidekick?"
-Dave, on binge drinking

"It's not fair, it's like you have immunity to whatever you say for a few days each month. We don't get immunity for being drunk off
our ass."
-Dave, on PMS

"It's like a drinking game, but with pancakes."
-Maggie, during breakfast
the morning after an all-nighter

"No matter what, don't let the ambulance take me. I can't afford it."
-Cayce, just before drinking on her birthday

"Hey, Dave, maybe I'll go take a bath in rubbing alcohol and then I'll know how your liver feels."

"Fuck Captain Morgan! He's a butt pirate!"
-Lawley, after a boot n' rally

"I either need to always be drunk or never be drunk. It's the only way."
-Brandon, drunk as

"I just feel that I have all this knowledge of piercings and hard alcohol and I'm not using it. It makes me kinda
-Brandon, after taking out all of his piercings and quitting hard alcohol

Krystal: You guys are alcoholics.
Jay: No, alcoholics wake up and need to drink, I wake up and want to drink. There is a vast difference.

"Are you been drinking?"

Michelle: Dude what if someone paid you $1000 to stop drinking?
Sam: Are you kidding? I woulndt stop drinking for a million dollars, alcohol is priceless!!

"I quit drinking beer. From now on I am straight up funneling it."

"I have moments of sobriety, and then I just lapse back into drinkeness."
on the long walk back to his dorm after a night of drinking

"I'm not too drunk to drive. I have not drunk more then the legal drinking level for driving."
-Mike's 17 year old friend, after having a few shots

"Hey MC, I pissed myself, it came out like a waterfall. Now I have to change my pants so I can go out and drink
-Roz explaining why she walked into the room with her pants around her ankles

"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."

"In my world, you're drunk until proven sober."

"I feel lonely without beer. It's a comfort thing, not an addiction."

"There are functional alcoholics. I mean, look at me, I'm functioning."

"Cheap tequila tastes like Mexican People trying to kill you."

"I don't and do not if I did."
-Ellis, in reference to whether he drinks

"She's going to be in AA anonymous."

Vicki: Jess, what's in your iced tea?
Jess: Absolutely nothing.
Vicki: What!! Absolut?!

"It's like Coke & Lemonade minus the Coke!"
-Kristi, on Mike's Hard Lemonade

"If I start talking about booze-ooze-oooze-booze-oooze-booze you know that I'm drunk."
-Hilary (Northern Illinois U), while sleep-talking to her roommate

"On a scale of one to ten, I got thrown in the pool."
-Emily S., complaining about....the obvious, while severely inebriated

"I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

Lisa (recovering from a case of mono): I can't drink tonight because my liver count is still high.
Molly: Wait, don't you only have one liver?

"I can't find my book. Let's go drink my problems away."
-Pat of Marquette University on math homework

"B + Beer equals drunk."
-Jonathan N. on the only benefits of Calc I

"I love my roommate, and I'm not just saying that because I'm drunk, I'm saying that because a drunk man is a sober woman."

-Jeannette W., trying to explain that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts

"I don't like to meet boys when I'm drunk, and I don't know how to meet them when I'm sober because I'm always in
-Stephanie S. (apparently unable to get guys)

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