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"That shit's strong! It came up and bit me in the face!"
-Nora, drinking Everclear

"I don't think you really get dizzy when you're drunk. You just gain sense of how fast the earth is really moving."
-Beth, drunk and dizzy

"I have too much blood in my alcohol stream."
-Allison

"Man cannot live on bread alone."
-Nick, after hauling $239 worth of liquor and beer to his room

"But everyone talks with a British accent when they drink."
-Rick, drunk

Darrel: Nick, God is telling you to drink this beer.
Nick: God is gay.
-Nick, avoiding his final beer

"Happy Birthday, and I'm guessing that since it is your birthday, that there will be an alcohol genocide tonight."
-Grant, to his binge-drinking buddy

"The liver is evil and must be punished."
-Darrick

"That much whiskey would have killed any 'normal' elephant."
-Lyle, referring to the amount of alcohol he and his friend drank the day before

Jack: Dude, are you alright?
Paul: Yeah, I just wanted to see if I could feel that.
-Paul, after hitting his head on a closet door while drunk

"It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn to drink."
-Ryan, to his friend Mike during a drinking game

"The drunker I sit here, the longer I get."
-Pete, getting drunk

"Dude, I'm out of focus cause I'm so drunk."
-Jake, being videotaped

Corrie: The second alcohol hits my lips my vagina starts to tingle. Does that happen to you?
Holly: No.

"Nothing may be nothing to you, but nothing is something to me!"
-Kelly, offered a drink with "nothing" in it by her friend Trevor

Cameron: Did you use a
condom
bro?
Adam: No man...I drank myself sterile.
-Breakfast conversation, extremely hungover

"That stuff doesn't work! I've been taking roofies for years and I still haven't got laid!"
-Trisha, on spiking drinks

"Sometimes I think that I'm an alcoholic...but then I realize I'll forget that when I'm drunk"
-AP

Tom: Hey, what's a three-letter natural laxative?
Mike: MGD.
-Tom, doing a crossword
puzzle

"Man, I'm like Mexican food, I'll fuck your ass up."
-Robby B., trying to be
intimidating while drunk

Matt: Timmy there's two of you.
Timmy: Then your world is twice as good.
-After two handles
of Captain Morgan's

David: Why the hell are you fingering me?
Paul: Cause your a fucking pussy, now do it damnit.
-Paul, pointing his friend out to take another shot

"He who laughs last, hasn't passed out yet."
-Rosie

"What can't beer do?"
-Mike E.

"No bounce bounce makes the beer go drip drip."
-Beth, drunkenly telling her friend to stop jumping on the trampoline while she was drinking

"My liver has been to more countries than the rest of my body."
-Steve, on
his liver's exclusive exposure to import beers

"WOW! If you bend over and stand up again real fast, it's almost like being drunk all over again!"
-Erika, on cheap thrills

Amanda: It's cool, it's wet, it's refreshing.
Robin: What, is my ass sweating?
-Amanda, on
beer; Robin, on crack

"I'm denying the bucket!"
-German, refusing to throw up after drinking an entire liter of Captain Morgan

Marisa: You're drinking already? The sun's not even down yet...
Katie: Yeah, God can still see you.
-Marisa and Katie, chastising their friend Jen for having a drink after work

Kailee: There is no happy medium drunk for me.
Brynn: Well...remember the time when we only puked once?

"There's no such thing as an alcoholic, just a good customer."
-Nick, while
working at a beer distributor

"When in doubt, take off your pants."
-Pete, on his drinking strategy

Chris: Why don't you call up those hot chicks?
Leo: I'll do it when I'm wasted-er.

"I'm going out the same way I came in"
-Patty, while drinking Smirnoff Ice
during her last week at WMU

"I may be really drunk, but I can still walk better than Superman."
-Jay B.,
in reference to Christopher Reeve

Megan: I just broke the seal.
Danielle: Have you even been drinking?
Megan:
Umm, no.
-Megan, not understanding that to "break the seal" requires
drinking first

"Scientists have proven that a little beer is good for you. Tonight I'm gonna try overdosing in an attempt to gain super-human
powers...who wants to be my sidekick?"
-Dave, on binge drinking

"It's not fair, it's like you have immunity to whatever you say for a few days each month. We don't get immunity for being drunk off
our ass."
-Dave, on PMS

"It's like a drinking game, but with pancakes."
-Maggie, during breakfast
the morning after an all-nighter

"No matter what, don't let the ambulance take me. I can't afford it."
-Cayce, just before drinking on her birthday

"Hey, Dave, maybe I'll go take a bath in rubbing alcohol and then I'll know how your liver feels."
-Shavon

"Fuck Captain Morgan! He's a butt pirate!"
-Lawley, after a boot n' rally

"I either need to always be drunk or never be drunk. It's the only way."
-Brandon, drunk as
hell

"I just feel that I have all this knowledge of piercings and hard alcohol and I'm not using it. It makes me kinda
sad."
-Brandon, after taking out all of his piercings and quitting hard alcohol

Krystal: You guys are alcoholics.
Jay: No, alcoholics wake up and need to drink, I wake up and want to drink. There is a vast difference.

"Are you been drinking?"
-Joe

Michelle: Dude what if someone paid you $1000 to stop drinking?
Sam: Are you kidding? I woulndt stop drinking for a million dollars, alcohol is priceless!!

"I quit drinking beer. From now on I am straight up funneling it."
-Jean

"I have moments of sobriety, and then I just lapse back into drinkeness."
-Nick,
on the long walk back to his dorm after a night of drinking

"I'm not too drunk to drive. I have not drunk more then the legal drinking level for driving."
-Mike's 17 year old friend, after having a few shots

"Hey MC, I pissed myself, it came out like a waterfall. Now I have to change my pants so I can go out and drink
more."
-Roz explaining why she walked into the room with her pants around her ankles

"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."
-Laura
S.

"In my world, you're drunk until proven sober."
-CW

"I feel lonely without beer. It's a comfort thing, not an addiction."
-Tom

"There are functional alcoholics. I mean, look at me, I'm functioning."
-Ethan

"Cheap tequila tastes like Mexican People trying to kill you."
-Brad

"I don't and do not if I did."
-Ellis, in reference to whether he drinks

"She's going to be in AA anonymous."
-Chelsea

Vicki: Jess, what's in your iced tea?
Jess: Absolutely nothing.
Vicki: What!! Absolut?!

"It's like Coke & Lemonade minus the Coke!"
-Kristi, on Mike's Hard Lemonade

"If I start talking about booze-ooze-oooze-booze-oooze-booze you know that I'm drunk."
-Hilary (Northern Illinois U), while sleep-talking to her roommate

"On a scale of one to ten, I got thrown in the pool."
-Emily S., complaining about....the obvious, while severely inebriated

"I swear to drunk I'm not God!"
-Chelsea

Lisa (recovering from a case of mono): I can't drink tonight because my liver count is still high.
Molly: Wait, don't you only have one liver?

"I can't find my book. Let's go drink my problems away."
-Pat of Marquette University on math homework

"B + Beer equals drunk."
-Jonathan N. on the only benefits of Calc I

"I love my roommate, and I'm not just saying that because I'm drunk, I'm saying that because a drunk man is a sober woman."

-Jeannette W., trying to explain that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts

"I don't like to meet boys when I'm drunk, and I don't know how to meet them when I'm sober because I'm always in
class."
-Stephanie S. (apparently unable to get guys)

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